Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 11 October 2018

image for Adverbs Heatedly Blast Stephen King for Causing Them to Be Summarily Dismissed by Modern-Day Authors
Adverbs' literary future is at risk thanks to Stephen King, who "freely" expresses his view that adverbs suck.

Adverbs everywhere have vocally and publicly come out against best-selling author Stephen King, blaming him for their summary dismissal by many modern-day writers.

“Thanks to him, we’re being edited out of the game,” lamented adverb Beverly Passionately. “’Show, don’t tell,’ is what writers are told these days. Why can’t we show and tell?” she ardently demanded.

Dudley Curiously vehemently agreed. “We enhance everything,” he zealously contended. “Writing is an art, with form as important as function. And just as in the world of design there’s a place for sparse and minimalist as well as for whimsical and Bohemian, there's no one style that fits all in the world of words."

Curiously went on to thoughtfully posit, "Through the use of carefully-placed insightful verbal emphases, we adverbs effectively add a level of refinement, even elegance, to even the starkest of sentences. It's what we do, and we do it well - like no one else!!”

Adverbs have been heartened to find support among a broad spectrum of word-types, like adjectives Liv Lively, Mario Lovely and Tim Timely, who have become steadfast proponents of the adverbial cause.

"I'm mostly an adjective,” said Timely, "but these days, I'm often subverted into acting as an adverb. I don't want to be thoughtlessly obliterated out of a case of mistaken identity. So I have skin in this game. I could easily be on the chopping block next!"

Lively, on the other hand, candidly admits that she is rarely mistaken for an adverb, other than by the occasional young elementary school child. Nevertheless, Lively has pledged to fight for adverbs' right to not only be preserved, but to genuinely appreciated.

"Enough of this war on words!" proclaimed Lively.

"Word!" agreed Lovely.

Stephen King''s adamant anti-adverb stance is widely known - a stance he freely acknowledges.

“Black lives matter," said King. "Adverbs don’t. They totally - that is, straight-up – no, no, what I meant to say is, adverbs suck. As I've said many times, I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs.”

King's remarks evoked only a rueful chuckle from Passionately, who says that she's heard it all before. “And just out of curiosity, exactly how is this road to hell paved, Stephen?” she queried coyly. “Smoothly, or is it filled with potholes? You tell me.” She shook her head wryly. “I think you see my point.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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