BILLINGSGATE POST: Deborah Ramirez, the former Yale coed who rhetorically fingered her now-famous classmate’s penis at a frat house party at Yale some thirty years ago, admitted that she was very intoxicated at the time. To be sure, most female students who choose to attend Yale come from good families where they are expected to avoid eye contact with the male penis in order to avoid concomitant concupiscible thoughts. To be fair to Ramirez, the object may merely have been a breakfast burrito that was being passed around the room. Things get hazy under such circumstances.
Forensic pecker prognosticator, the redoubtable Dr. Helma Witherdick, who has personally ID’ed an estimated 10,000 peckers as of this date, said that it was nearly impossible for anyone under the influence of alcohol to reliably differentiate one pecker from another, especially in a dark room.
Dr. Witherdick, who won her scholastic spurs by attempting to verify Wilt Chamberlain’s claim that he had slept with 20,000 different women in his life, spent years interviewing women from coast-to-coast, after reading of this claim made by the Big Dipper in his seminal autobiography, “A View From Above”. She also attempted to substantiate the somewhat dubious claim that none of these women were married at the time. Chamberlain died of heart failure at the age of 63.
“Just looking at this mathematically, Wilt would have had to have sex with approximately 1.5 partners a day from the age of 15 until he died to accomplish this, notwithstanding illness or bar mitzvahs where sexual activity is not recommended. However, the rumor that on a three-day road trip he had sex with 21 women was found to be true. This helps to offset the aforementioned sick days and religious holidays.”
In Witherdick’s assessment, which was published in the Yale Daily News, she recommended:
“That to obviate any future problems inherent with passing years, dim lights, and the effects of alcohol, I recommend that Yale University implement the following procedures:"
1. Every swinging dick of all incoming students (male or female) be tattooed with a number easily visible to the naked eye under the most onerous of conditions by a person or persons who may or not be comatose or otherwise.
2. Sex changes, in which a student’s sex organ is decommissioned, shall have the number permanently shelved.
3. Sex changes, in which a student has a sex organ added, shall have a number tattooed upon addition of said member.
4. Subsequent to this, if upon the recommendation of the President a Yale graduate is considered for the job of Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, any and all identity disputes will be subject to and settled by arbitration.
NOTE: It is recommended that the above be considered for all Yale alumni, both alive and deceased.