Michigan. Several years ago, Danny Fowler, who was 17 years old at the time, became demonically possessed in his parents' home and was rushed to a nearby Lutheran Church in hopes that Pastor Bob Smith would be able to cast out the malicious entity that was troubling him.
A massive portal to the Other Side opened up near the ceiling of Danny's bedroom as a result of the fact that he had been practicing witchcraft, engaging in ritualistic orgies, joining cults, painting his toenails purple, praying to the Devil, sticking his own finger up his ass, drawing pentagrams everywhere, and using a Ouija Board. Unable to close the portal himself, Danny sat there helplessly as the invading spirit successfully took possession of his mind and soul.
"I kind of felt that something was wrong when he twisted his body backwards in a perfect 90 degree angle before speaking ancient foreign languages while floating around in mid-air," Mr. Fowler told reporters. "I also found it somewhat disturbing that he was drooling on himself and throwing up all over the place," he added.
When asked what led to the desperate decision to take their son to a church, both Mr. and Mrs. Fowler claimed that Danny uttered something completely horrible that terrified them both and shook them to their core.
"He said that he wanted to attend a Liberal Arts College and earn a Bachelor's Degree in Sociology," Mrs. Fowler stated while trembling. "That's when we knew he needed help," she sobbed.
Mr. and Mrs. Fowler grabbed Danny and drove him to nearest church building they could find, which happened to be Evangelical.
"They both approached me begging for spiritual help, but I don't think they really understood that demonic possession is more of a 'Catholic' thing," Pastor Bob Smith told lead reporter, Dick Rider. "The Evangelical Lutheran Church is more about having picnics, uniting people, thinking about Jesus, and being happy," he added.
Finding himself unable to turn away from people who were desperately seeking his help, Pastor Bob observed the boy for a while and noticed that there was indeed something very wrong with him.
"Danny puked in my face and told me to suck my own dick, which didn't really bother me that much, but then he made a statement about getting a Sociology Degree. That's when I knew there was a big problem. A person can't really use a degree like that. It's a complete waste of tuition money," Pastor Bob stated.
Because Danny wouldn't stop babbling incoherently about gender, sexuality, youth culture, race, nationality, ethnic pride, socioeconomic status, feminism, corporate glass ceilings, inequality, and social movements, Pastor Bob finally decided to hit him over the head with a rather large hammer in order to get him to 'shut the fuck up.' He then took Danny down to the basement of the Church and chained him to a wall so that he could attempt an exorcism.
"He made a growling noise at me that sounded like it came from a pre-historic animal. In a very deep and penetrating voice that shook the entire building, he then stated that he was still 'adamant' about getting a Sociology Degree," Bob Smith recalled. "I wasn't really familiar with the 'Roman Catholic Rituals' or the 'Rites of Exorcism' at the time, so I just grabbed a really large, old-fashioned Bible and smashed him in the face repeatedly with it until he stopped moving," he added.
Danny woke up the next morning, asked for a cup of coffee, told Pastor Bob and his parents that he was fine, and then calmly stated that he just wanted to go back home. After they unchained him from the wall, Danny put away the Ouija Board, stopped practicing witchcraft, asked God to forgive him for his sins, and proudly announced to everybody that he was going to attend College upon graduation in order to get a Business Degree so that he could start his own company.
A few years later, however, when nobody was paying attention, he transferred to a different school and earned a sociology degree anyway.
News reporters caught up with Danny Fowler last Wednesday and found out that he now happily works at a gas station asking people which pump they used and if they want their receipts.
