Written by StubbornGorilla

Friday, 21 September 2018

image for Airplane passengers sickened by exposure to Vanilla Ice
That plane ride was not "cool as ice"!

Doctors have concluded that the mystery illness that sickened a large number of passengers traveling from Dubai to New York was Vanilla Ice Exposure. Although, Robert Michael Van Winkle the performer that goes by the name Vanilla Ice was purported to be on the plane, it wasn't direct contact with him that caused the outbreak. By most accounts he was a complete gentleman, even agreeing to sign autographs for the crusty people old enough to know who he was. However, it appears that his kindness may have inadvertently caused the issue. Apparently, moved by how nice Ice was passengers started playing some of his old material, which is when the problems started. The first report of stomach issues came after an unidentified woman after she listened Hooked, from Vanilla Ice's first album, To The Extreme.

"I barely made it thirty seconds into the song when I started feeling ill, and not like Beastie Boys ill, like really sick!"

Similar reactions were documented by other passengers that made the mistake of listening to anything that the rapper hadn't swiped from David Bowie.

"I tried to listen to Zig Zag stories on Hard to Swallow," one man stated, "but I couldn't make it through without barfing."

"We tried listening to Bi-Polar," a group of friends traveling back from Dubai explained, "but we all got sick; some of us probably just laughed until we threw up, but it was still gross."

"I actually made it through the entirety of Go Ninja Go," one embarrassed teenager admitted, "but please don't tell my friends. I'll never live that down."

One passenger stated that he actually threw up directly on to Vanilla Ice in the middle of a conversation. "I really felt bad, because he was super nice," he explained, "but I just finished listening to Hit 'em Hard on Mind Blowin' and just looking at him after that made me sick."

According to reports, it wasn't until the plane started showing the in-flight movie, the 1991 flop, Cool As Ice, that individuals started reporting widespread episodes of nausea.

"It was like that scene from Stand By Me, where everyone just started puking on everyone else," one eyewitness recounted. "I don't know what made me feel more relief, hurling or taking my eyes of that train wreck of a movie for the two minutes I was blowing chunks."

No serious reports of injury or illness were reported after everyone was checked out for more dangerous pathogens. The airline has since banned any and all Vanilla Ice-related content, but made it clear that Mr. Van Winkle was still welcome to fly with them any time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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