Researchers Ask Dead People What Happens When You Die

Funny story written by Dave Henry

Friday, 15 June 2018

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What he thinks may surprise you

A new breakthrough study seeks to answer that age-old question, what happens when you die?

Scientists with the University of Miami at Notre Dame of Ohio interviewed hundreds of dead people and what they found may shock you if you are easily shocked by things that are mildly interesting bordering on lame.

"We are scientists and we get paid to think about things that no one thinks about, usually because the things we study are obvious to anyone with two eyes and half a brain,” said Carlton Smithers, Dean of the School of Easy Curriculum for Football Players and lead author of the study.

Last year they came out with a study that discovered that 98 percent of people who read books know how to read.

For their new study on the eternal question, Smithers and his team went straight to the source. “We went down to the local morgue and asked the recently deceased what they experienced after they died,” he said.

What he learned surprised him.

“While we didn’t find out what happens when you die, we did discover that dead people neither speak nor breathe,” said Smithers.

He is currently pursuing a grant from the Foundation of Useless Science to study why the deceased can't think or speak.

“We have a huge endowment that we couldn’t possibly ever spend so we’ll give it to literally anyone for anything and this project by Smithers and his team certainly qualifies,” said George Bass, foundation president.

Bass urged all the rich donors out there to please give their money to actual causes, like feeding poor people, and not to give any more to him. “We’ll just waste it on stupid research like this.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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