Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

image for Masturbation Study Results Published
Look at the stethoscope, not my left hand

The results of a year-long study on the ancient art of masturbation have been published in this month's completely fictitious science magazine 'Quirky Science Monthly'.

Science students at Manchester University recorded data produced by 1,100 participants on all aspects on wanking, including techniques used, frequency, stimuli, location, time taken, wanking aids and associated ailments.

One of the highlights of the QSM article is a section on 'duration'. Many of those involved in the research said they liked to take their time over their masturbation. One participant, catalogued as 'B14', told us:

"I never rush. Not with something as important as this. I like to treat it as a leisurely stroll through a park, in the countryside, in a shaded area with birds singing softly, and a breeze blowing gently through the branches of the trees. Possibly, a family having a picnic in the next clearing."

Some, though, confessed to enjoying a danger wank. This, apparently, is performed in a frantic manner, either in one's bedroom, or garden shed, and involves shouting your wife, girlfriend, mum etc. to "come here a minute, please!", and then attempting to 'achieve one's objective' before the summoned person arrives on the scene.

Another section of the report deals with 'ailments and injuries sustained whilst masturbating', and features examples of wrist injuries, dislocated fingers and shoulders, and, amazingly, in one notable case, a sprained ankle.

Other parts of the report, especially the ones on 'stimuli', and 'location' should not be missed by anyone with an interest in this fascinating subject.

Quirky Science Magazine is available now in all overworked imaginations.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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