Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 20 April 2018

image for Man Moved Family To Alaska To Avoid Terrorist Threat
Safe at last: Ralph, Rose, and some bloke from the real estate company who helped them move

A man has sold his home and taken his family to live in Alaska after he became increasingly worried about the threat of terrorism, it has emerged.

Ralph Conk, 53, was so concerned about the threat posed by terrorists, that he 'upped sticks' and took his wife Rose and their labrador, Bessie, to the town of Utqiagvik, the northernmost place in the United States, and - according to Wikipedia - the northernmost public community in the world. There is no Waitrose there.

The retired insurance salesman told me:

"When we lived in New York, I used to turn on the TV to watch the news every evening, and sit terrified as the newscaster told us what was afoot. Such terrible things were in store for us from unspeakably bad people, none of them Americans. I said to Rose, I said, "let's go somewhere quiet where we'll be left alone." That's what I said to her."

His wife of 35 years looked sheepish as she glanced nervously over her shoulder, and, almost in a whisper, agreed:

"Yes, that's what he said."

Later, when the microphone was turned off, Rose told me how Ralph had become more and more frightened by the reports he saw on the evening news bulletins, and how he hung on every word that came out of President Donald Trump's mouth. Rose:

"He said that Donald Trump is a good man, and he's watching out for everyone. We'll be safe here in Alaska."

The couple sold their home in New York cheaply, to a real estate company with connections to the President, and bought a simple log cabin in which to spend the rest of their days, free from the threat of Holy wars, violent attacks on the streets, wild, manic and frenzied slayings on their doorstep by immigrants, and countless other inventive and imagined worrying possibilities.

Bessie the labrador is 11.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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