Written by Dave Henry

Thursday, 12 April 2018

image for Zuckerberg Explains Facebook to Old Guys

U.S. lawmakers peppered Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg with questions about the social media platform when he testified before the Senate Subcommittee on Grandstanding and Pontificating this week.

“Mr. Zuckerberg, there’s something I find very troubling about Facebook that I demand an answer to,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz, illegally ending his sentence with a preposition. “How do I block certain postings from friends without actually unfriending them?”

Cruz explained that’s he’s very annoyed by certain friends who post these stupid memes about things like kneeling football players that ask him to “like if you agree.”

“I’m a conservative, and I know these things are red meat for my base, but they’re just so stupid and annoying,” said Cruz. “I can’t take seeing them on my feed every morning.”

Zuckerberg said there are ways to block posts from friends without unfriending them, but added that it was extremely confusing and hard to explain within the time of an average person’s attention span.

“Thank you for the question, Sen. Cruz. I completely understand your concerns and while there are ways to do this, most people have a hard time figuring out how to do it and soon get frustrated and give up, particularly when someone posts an awesome photo of what they had for breakfast and their attention is diverted,” said Zuckerberg.

“Just send me a friend request,” Zuckerberg told Cruz, “and I’ll DM you with directions on how to do it.”

Rhode Island Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse also had the Facebook CEO on the hot seat.

“What I find most alarming about Facebook, Mr. Zuckerberg, has to do with sharing of personal information,” said Whitehouse. “Specifically, when I want to share a post on my timeline, how do I share it to just one of my friends as opposed to all of them?”

Whitehouse explained that he doesn’t want to burden all of his friends with a post on say gardening tips, but he can’t figure out how to send it just to one or two specific friends timelines.

“This is a question I’ve heard before and I realize this is a point of frustration for many people,” said Zuckerberg. “There is a drop down when you hit share that says “custom” and then you can specify which friends you want to share with.”

Whitehouse slammed his fist on the table, clearly not satisfied with the answer.

“Frankly, Mr. Zuckerberg, that’s a bunch of malarkey. I’ve tried to do that very thing and it doesn’t work! It still goes to all my friends, who then get mad at me for sending them unwanted gardening tips.”

Whitehouse demanded that Zuckerberg fix how people share information or face the consequences. “I’m warning you. I will leave Facebook and join Snapchat, and so will all my friends, if you don’t fix this problem!” said Whitehouse.

Zuckerberg said he got the message loud and clear. He said he would do everything in his power to make sure he looks and sounds contrite while doing nothing and continuing to make billions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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