Do The Winter Olympics Suck Large Turds?

Written by Paul Blake

Thursday, 22 February 2018

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Wheeeeee! Who cares?!

With the games drudging past the half way mark, the international enthusiasm for everyone's favorite team is starting to wane, which has our sports reporter asking this very important question: Do the winter Olympics suck a large steaming dog turd?

"I wouldn't like to say whether the Pyeong Chang Games are sucking an actual dog turd," said Ester MacDunghill," but I will say that I get all ready for an evening of Olympic action in front of the tele, and before I know it, I'm waking up on the couch the next morning. So, it puts me to sleep every time! But that's a good thing. I have terrible insomnia from my leg gout."

Others say that while they were all revved up for The Games before they started, now they find they can only stand so much of it until they have to find something else to do. "I sat down to watch speed-skating on Sunday, but found myself painting the inside of the kitchen cupboards a half an hour later," admits Pete Schleppy. "I don't know how that happened? Intense boredom, I guess? It was just so monotonous. Around and around and around..."

Others we interviewed also said that they were getting household chores done at an alarming rate during The Games without explanation, too.

"Perhaps they need to make it a bit more entertaining?" suggested Ms. MacDunghill's husband, Morris, who'd finally got up on the roof to clean out the gutters. "Add some sharks or an alligator pit to the ski-jumping—and have the cross-country skiers shoot their riffles at each other instead, then you've got something!"

Mr. Schleppy was surprised at even how fast his 10-year-old daughter grew restless with the Olympics. "She couldn't wait to see those bobsleds blazing down the shute on opening night. She was sure that it was her future calling. Now she's begging for Doc McStuffins reruns. She even cried because there was no more chores left to be done around the house. So that's good, I guess?"

But we found one old salty geezer who just loves it when the boring old Olympics come around every four years. "The more boring the better, I say!" cackles Bill Smudgy, the crusty old coot who owns the local hardware shop. "Nothing brings in customers like an afternoon of Olympic curling on TV!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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