UPDATED - Manhattan. In 2015, Dr. Harold Bornstein, Trump's doctor of 25 years, claimed that "if elected, Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency."
In a follow-up interview, he qualified his position.
If "he weren't elected, he should've been taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital because he was on the verge of suffering a massive stroke and heart attack, followed by shattering anal fissures. Thank GAWD he won."
When asked to explain how Trump could possibly be "the healthiest individual," Dr. Bornstein admitted that he has never evaluated any other president or presidential candidate, and that he was probably high at the time of the interview. He continued to say that Trump "has had no significant medical problems" and called Trump's blood pressure and lab results "astonishingly excellent."
An astonished Dr. Bornstein was especially impressed by (1) the relatively small amount of urine Trump spilled on his fingers while filling the sample jar and (2) a stool sample--suffused in French fry and fried chicken odors--that could easily pass for Post-Modern Art--the kind that explodes from a "stable genius--and could be instantly worth millions."
The details are contained in a thoroughly documented five-minute report, open to public scrutiny.
In another recent update from the 2015 interview, reporters sought out greater details, possibly resembling real data. This is what they found:
In a moment of honestly, and perhaps clarity, Dr. Bornstein admitted that--given the lapsed status of his medical license--it has been years since he's taken anyone's blood pressure, that he still isn't quite sure how the latest version of a sphygmomanometer works, and, further, that he isn't quite sure what the "top and bottom numbers mean." To confuse matters, the urine samples may have been mixed up with those of a professional wrestler, who was also in his office being testing for massive steroid abuse.
Smelling bloody gauze, reporters questioned how he could reach such definitive conclusions after admitting that he spent only five minutes writing "Trump's bill of health." Unexpectedly, Dr. Bornstein bragged that LSD has been a real boon in writing stream of consciousness reports. "Time just seems to slow down. When I write, it's as if I'm a hummingbird. I'm on a higher plane of awareness. Stuff just flows from me--like, at light speed acceleration. It's incredible, man."
He then seemed to drift off for several minutes in the middle of the current interview.
After a reporter nudged him awake, he insisted, "I stand by my comments. In fact, if I were to offer an analogy, I'd say Trump's physical health is easily on par with his mental stability. He is, without a doubt, the most stable genius I've ever met. I'm in awe of the man. He's like really smart. Seriously. And I'm not even all that high."
When asked whether he had any advice for the government doctor performing Trump's physical later this week, Dr. Bornstein suggested (1) doing it fast and (2) having strong fans blowing from several directions.
Why? Dr. Bornstein claimed, "His old man smell is more than just repulsive. It's sulfuric. It could be registered as a dangerous weapon. He could bring Kim Jong Un to the bargaining table with that stench. Which just goes to show, even Trump's stench is genius. A stable genius . . . very stable . . . yes . . ."