Written by XRhonda Speaks

Sunday, 23 April 2017

image for AG Sessions Risks Awakening Stoner Vote
Newly registered voter Lazer Tyson (AKA Stanly Roze) says he plans on voting in 2018.

In an attempt to thwart the Republican Reeperbahn in next years elections, liberal activists and Democrats are using the fear of regressive marijuana policies to recruit pot smokers who wouldn't vote otherwise.

Portia Nicolya of Rationalize US Marijuana Policy told this reporter she has a clear and simple message for pot smokers who have never voted.

"Donald Trump is coming to take your weed away."

The RUMP spokesperson paused for effect and then continued:

"We think that statement will get people's attention, now we have to get those people registered and to the polls on voting day. These so called "couch locked" liberals or Couchers, who just get high again instead of voting, could increase the Democratic vote by ten to twenty percent if they can be motivated."

That very scenario has caused Republican lawmakers to warn elfin US Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, to go easy on marijuana enforcement because of fears of stirring latent liberal voters to get up off their couches.

One such potential voter is Lazer Tyson of Englewood, Colorado, who likes to be called by his online gaming moniker, Stanly Roze. Roze spoke to this reporter online via FaceSlap when he took a short break from playing Super Hero Mutant Apocalypse.

"I heard something about Trump's general attorney trying to crack down on legal herb and that's why I registered to vote for the first time in my life. Our County Clerk's office had online registration so it was perfect because I don't like to leave my gaming chair--now if they could have online voting I know a lot of other gamers who would register and vote to protect their access to legal weed."

AG Sessions defended the crackdown on marijuana enforcement:

"If we keep allowing these kids to smoke reefer, pretty soon it's going to draw colored people and then rap music--and I don't think people realize that rap music is intended to whip colored people into a frenzy of murder and rape. So do we really want real American children to smoke reefer and listen to rap music? I think the easy answer is 'no.'"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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