Whitehouse Press Secretary Finally Admits Trump's Diabolic Plan To Corner The Russian Salad Dressing Market

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Wednesday, 29 March 2017


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Washington - On Tuesday, Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, tried to downplay questions about ties between President Donald Trump's associates and Russia. "If the President puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that's a Russia connection." When contentious reporters further pressed Spicer on the Russian salad dressing controversy, his comment was abrupt and certain: "Da Nyet". Roughly translated from Russian: "No comment".

After the press secretary's heated encounter with the press, which included Spicer chiding journalist April Ryan for shaking her head, the internet lit up with the real story about the Trump presidential campaign, Russian collusion, and his reasons for running.

The heart of the story centers on an unnamed source inside the Trump inner circle. It was revealed it all started back in 2004 after the Trump Hotels & Casino Resort lost millions of dollars. Trump's new dream was not to build more hotels or skyscrapers, not necessarily to become president, but rather corner the Russian Salad Dressing market. The presidency was just means to an end. A stepping stone.

Trump had always been a big fan of the Hollywood legend Paul Newnan, who passed away in 2008. God rest his soul. Paul Newman was not only famous for his wonderful movies, a sex symbol, but his famous salad dressings worth millions of dollars in sales. Paul's smiling face lives on in grocery aisles across the USA. Trump envisioned the same, having his smiling face on every dinner table in America. Since Russian dressing is one of the least favorite salad toppings, Trump's strategy all along has been to create demand by perpetuating the Russian conspiracy theory himself.

Further fueling the tumult, and not so widely reported on Tuesday, were Trump's two new Presidential executive orders. One rolling back a FDA mandate allowing Russian salad dressing bottles not to have to display a calorie count. A second, forcing all restaurants who serve salads to offer Russian dressing as an option.

The response to Trump's devious, diabolic plans to corner the Russian Salad Dressing marketplace were swift and certain by a wide range of opposition groups.

Blue Cheese Dressing Association
"Needless to say we at the Blue Cheese Dressing Association are 'Blue'". "We were just starting to make inroads on the number one selling salad dressing, Ranch, then this had to come along." "It's bad enough to have to fight those pickup truck, gun-toting, red-neck 'Ranch' lovers, now we have to fight the Russians too!"

Lettuce Growers Association
Martinez Gomez, president of the California Lettuce Growers Association, said:"Not only is Trump trying to devastate our workforce by discouraging and deporting illegal immigrants who pick our produce, now he is trying to cover up the good wholesome, crisp taste of our lettuce with that thick, Russian concoction." " It's Un-American!"

American Woman Suffrage Association
Ms. Suffragette, president of the American Woman Suffrage Association, proclaimed: "Everyone knows that Trump is a misogynist, andocentric, and loves to belittle woman." "1996 Miss Universe Alicia Machado proved that." "He called her 'Miss Piggy' and described her as an 'eating machine'." "Russian salad dressing is just another Trump assault on women." "He knows women eat more salads than men." "By making the high calorie Russian dressing popular, women will be packing on the pounds."

McDonald's Fast Food Chain
Donald Thompson, CEO, McDonald's Corporation, said: "Trump is one 'Donald' we could never support." "We just got off the nutritionist shit-list by adding salads to our menu." "Forcing us to offer Russia Dressing to our customers will make our salads an even a higher calorie count than the Big Mac." "We are planning to fight the Trump administration's executive order and become 'Sanctuary Restaurants'."

Vladimir Putin
When Russian President Vladimir Putin was asked about the Trump Collusion controversy, he said: "You Americans are so naive, gullible, and conspiracy orientated." "You like to blame all the world's problems on Mother Russia." "Everyone knows Russian salad dressing was invented in Nashua, New Hampshire, by James E. Colburn." "I'm a meat and potatoes man." "Salads are for sissies".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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