In a last-ditch effort to save his failing Presidency, Donald Trump will undergo emergency penis enlargement therapy next week at Bethesda Naval Hospital.
"The President has come to the realization that the common denominator in all of his shortcomings as President has been his previously reported 'micropenis syndrome,'" White House press secretary Sean Spicer said in a statement. "As noted in those past news reports, Hitler, Napoleon and Richard Nixon also suffered from micropenis syndrome, and their political careers and the fate of the world turned out very badly as a result. The President wants to do what is best for the American people and the free world."
Trump's erect penis currently measures slightly less than two inches, according to a New York urologist familiar with what he called Trump's "severe affliction." In an era dominated by reality TV and the increasingly macho aggression of Russian president Vladimir Putin, Trump should possess a penis at least seven inches long, the doctor noted while acknowledging that he had no direct knowledge of Trump's plans. "But knowing his nature, as we all do, my best guess would be he will opt for at least a 'foot long hot dog,'" the urologist said. "In a dangerous world, it is not a good thing for our President to feel inadequate. He needs to feel as if he's packing a 'nuclear bomb' in his trousers."
The White House declined to provide any details of the upcoming surgery. "Let's just say that after the procedure, the President will be amply equipped to deal with his responsibilities, including the First Lady, future Miss Universe contestants and any Russian prostitutes he is expected to encounter on his upcoming trip to Moscow," Spicer said in his statement.
The planned penis enlargement surgery comes just days after Trump engaged in a "manly" photo op that placed him behind the wheel of a big rig truck on the White House lawn.
"He really enjoyed that, especially when he got to blow the horn multiple times," Spicer said in his statement. "Like many Americans, given the opportunity, he immediately associated a 'big rig' with his penis and realized he needed to add some freight, for lack of a better term."