Twenty ways you can tell if your man is going "Gropensteinian"

Funny story written by Dr. Jackass and Mr. Hide

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

image for Twenty ways you can tell if your man is going "Gropensteinian"
A Gropensteinian Possession is much worse than a demonic possession. Watch the signs, girl, and if you see any of them, RUN!

So neither you nor your significant other voted.

You were going to, but just didn't have the time.

After working all day, getting your nails done after work, then after a tough workout at the gym, you were just too exhausted to go to the voting booth.

And your man didn't vote either, snarling that he didn't want to stand in line for an hour, and now he's displaying drastic changes in his personality. You see him acting and doing things that you've seen President-Elect Donald Trump do on TV!

Well, here's a list of things to watch for if he's undergoing a Gropensteinian Possession, which is even worse than a demonic possession -

1) He tells you "I want you to dress up like a whore and talk and squawk like a boat person."

2) His pigmentation is changing to a sickly orange and his hair is turning an orange-yellow hue, too. And it sort of has taken on a life of its own, like some anomaly in a science fiction movie.

3) He tells you you're to only have friends who are billionaires. So you tell him, "We don't know any of those, hell's bells, you jamoke, we don't even know any millionaires." So he tells you to mind your own business or "I'll knock your teeth out!"

4) Whenever you go to the mall with him, he sees other attractive women, accosts them and grabs their genitals. This, young lady, is when he's in the nadir of his Trumpensteinian possession!

5) He begins building a brick wall in the corridor of your apartment building. You're trapped. You can't leave the building or even your apartment. He's blocked you in on all sides. "I'm making the owner of this place pay for it all," he tells you.

6) Whenever he answers his cell phone these days, the first thing he yells into the receiver is "You're fired!"

7) He begins seeing your face in Aflac commercials. "I think that fucking duck is actually you," he hisses.

8) He tells you that he wants to name your next kid after some sock puppet name he used in some crazy Internet warrior game he once played. I think he told you the name was "Axe Man," "Ice Pick," or "Mephistopheles".

9) Before the Fuckface Von Klownstick Possession, he was always respectful towards women. Now he calls other women, even you, for that matter, "Cunts," "Bitches," "Whores," "Ones," "Twos," "Threes," and "Flat Chested Skunk Apes".

10) He begins drawing an architectural rendering of a 450-story skyscraper he plans to build in the center of your village of 1,680 people.

11) He spends all his time loitering around casinos, golf courses, and ramshackle juke joints that have neon signs out front that flick on and off, on and off, LIVE NEWTS, or is it LIVE NUDES?

12) He wakes you up in the middle of the night and asks you if you want to play cards. You tell him, "No way, it's three in the morning, go back to sleep!" So he asks you, via a tweet on Twitter, if you'd like to play 18 holes of golf and later, take in a few horse races.

13) He tells you he's going to throw you over for a better, newer model if you don't undergo Botox treatments and get a heapin' helpin' of a breast enhancement. I insist that my 'arm candy' have the measurements of 66-22-77 is the saying on the latest red and white baseball cap he just had custom made at the sports uniform shop downtown.

14) He begins looking around online for a Rolls Royce, a yacht, and a Lear jet. When you tell him "All those things are way over our budget," he orders a red and white baseball cap online that reads I WAS A RICH KLEPTOGARCH IN A FORMER LIFE BUT NOW I'M JUST A BANKRUPT BILLIONAIRE WITH 123 BUCKAROOZIES IN THE BANK, A STRONG HUNGER FOR RED MEAT & A LOVE OF ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

15) He tells you he's not showing you his tax returns even if you report his sorry ass to the Grand Cyclops of the I.R.S.

16) He begins making random cold calls to people in China and threatening them if they don't send him a drone.

17) He starts tweeting like a madman on every topic under the sun. His latest tweets are directed at the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture, telling them they should "Get the hell out of the people-feeding business and get into the people-killing business." You're very concerned but you contact your local police department when you find an added tweet that says, "Let's start amassing enough nuclear weapons not only to take out the earth, but Mars, Venus, Mercury, and maybe even Jupiter, too.

18) He gives you a diamond engagement ring and says, "All those promises I told you when we were just dating are out the window. I'm going to break them all now that you're mine. Go make me a hamburger and after I eat, I insist that you walk to the liquor store and buy me a fifth of Jack Daniels."

19) He steals a drone from the local National Guard base and when the men in black come to visit, he throws the large flying contraption at the biggest, broadest, scariest-looking G-man. "You can keep your fucking drone, losers!" he yells at them.

20) He begins wearing sharkskin suits. Making him look really out of sorts, he wears silly baseball hats that are usually red, but sometimes white, with slogans on them like: LET'S MAKE AMERICA RIGHT AGAIN, or LET'S MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN, or DON'T DRINK BOOZE OR TAKE DRUGS, GROW YOUR HATRED THE ORGANIC WAY! or LET'S MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN! or WHO WANTS TO CANARY A BILLIONAIRE?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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