U.S. Letter Carriers Go Postal After FBI Reveals "They" Lost Hillary's Computer

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Sunday, 4 September 2016

WASHINGTON - Last Friday the FBI released a summary of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's July 2, 2016 interview with the FBI concerning allegations that classified information was improperly stored or transmitted on a personal e-mail server used during her tenure.

As part of the disclosure, it was revealed that a laptop containing a copy, or "archive," of the emails on Hillary Clinton's private server was apparently lost. Most likely, by the U.S. Postal Service. A thumb drive, containing an archive of Clinton's emails, was also lost and not in the FBI's possession.

One unnamed postal worker when asked about the controversy said: "We thought we would be one of the few government agencies left out of the Clinton email quagmire and safe from scrutiny.

"We were hopeful Hillary would just blame the Russians for the loss instead.

"We had just started to get on the good side of U.S. taxpayers with our 'forever' denomination stamps, now this sets us back to square one.

"Being $15 billion in debt hasn't helped our image either."

After further investigation into the "mysterious" loss, a female postal worked confessed: "I dropped the box containing Mrs. Clinton's laptop computer.

"It was marked 'Fragile', so I opened it to see if there was any damage.

"After plugging the computer in and turning it on, there were Anthony Wiener dick pics on the desktop." He is the husband of Mrs. Clinton's closest aid, Huma Abedin.

The postal worker said: "I was so offended, I threw that damn laptop in the trash where it belongs."

On Monday of last week, Huma Abedin announced that she and former US Rep. Anthony Weiner were separating after new reports he sent sexually suggestive photos again. This time pictures of Weiner and their 4-year-old son surfaced.

Another unnamed, disgruntled, postal mail sorter admitted: "I found that bitch's thumb drive and forwarded it to Wikileaks." He added: "With all Hillary's lying about emails, she has been 'thumbing' her nose at Congress, the FBI, and the American people long enough - I thought I'd return the favor."

When asked about the postal plot, Julian Assange, Wikileaks founder and spokesperson, said: "They do not reveal their sources." But, he was quick to add: "Wikileaks is planning another Clinton email release before the November election." This adds further speculation that the postal employee might be telling the truth.

The rest of the U.S. Postal carriers aren't going to take the FBI's revelations laying down. On Monday, September 5 (Labor Day), over half a million U. S. Postal Employees are planning to take the day off. They will be protesting Mrs. Clinton's accusations that "they" lost her computer and thumb drive.

A postal representative said: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

"Although being accused of losing Mrs. Clinton's computer is just too humiliating for even us to remain on the job."

The spokesperson also added: "Mail carriers will be placing anti-Clinton bumper stickers on all U.S. mail delivery trucks, including stickers that read: 'Lock Her Up' and 'Bitch Behind Bars'."

Apparently, the United States Postal Service will take the brunt of the blame for Mrs. Clinton's missing computer. However, the FBI is not giving up. When asked about what the FBI is doing, a FBI agent close to the investigation said: "We have been busy little beavers since starting work on the Clinton email case and this presidential season.

"But, it's been one disappointment after another.

"First, our year-long Clinton email investigation with no successful prosecution.

"Then the Russians hacking the Democratic National Committee's server and not finding anyone. And, late last week, those pesky Russians at it again, hacking U.S. voting machines.

"We still believe it's a Russian secret agent, Ivan Redacted, who is responsible for what happened at the U.S. Post office."

It has long been speculated that at the height of the cold war in the 1950s, Josef Mengele, Hitler's doctor of destruction, who worked on human guinea pigs during World War II, was smuggled into the U.S. by the Russians. The plan: To create human clones, "Manchurian Candidates", who would placed in all 31,000 U.S. Post Offices. Their mission: To intercept all mail or packages containing top secret information and forward it to a Russian mail sorting house in Siberia. For anyone who has been told: "The check is in the mail" and never received anything, now you know where it might be. Ivan Redacted is thought to run this clandestine operation. He is now FBI Enemy Number One.

When Russian President Vladimir Putin was asked to comment on the loss of Mrs. Clinton's computer he said: "You Americans are so gullible.

"Even our own KGB and Russian news agency Pravda couldn't pull off such an absurd deception in our country." When further pressed about the Russian U.S. mail handler clones, he said: "Nyeht". Roughly translated: "No comment". Off the record, he admitted Russia would soon control all the World's mail, both email and snail-mail. Putin punctuated his statements by "Who really won the cold war now?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more