Local teenager Jake Smith is heralded to be outstanding at sex after spending the last ten years of his childhood watching films with strong sexual content.
After years of subverting parental controls and sneaking into R-rated films to watch two consenting adults engage in an activity that has reportedly been done since the beginning of time, Smith has a dangerously acute awareness of the human body.
His mother, Donna, is mortified with how her son has turned out.
"I thought I raised my boy right by setting blocks against all romantic flicks and only letting him watch films that aren't so inappropriate," said Donna, after expressing her disappointment upon finding Ghost on her son's computer instead of blood-soaked, gore-spattered movies.
This comes at a time when psychologists have been conducting numerous studies on whether there is a link between sexually provocative films and sexual proficiency. Are such films a "risk factor" for being freakishly good in bed? Dr. Randy Taver of the University of Texas is currently conducting a study on the link between the two, although he could not be reached for comment due to a stampede through his lab of hopeful participants.
Area mother, Amy Leary, says sex scenes are unintelligent and regress society.
"I cannot allow my children to be watching blithe nudity - they are too smart for this," Leary said, adding that she believes in only educational television. "Weapons of mass destruction and armed killer robots are at their forefronts and are constantly innovating to keep up with technology. Human bodies have looked the same for years; it's boring."
Despite the backlash, Smith chose nudes over prudes and after years of dedicated screen time was rewarded for it IRL. Many area women attested to Smith's sexual prowess. Smith's "Netflix with benefits" buddy, Allie Hoyt, was relieved to have found a man like him.
"I'm not bothered by how many women Jake [Smith] has been exposed to - on screen and off," Hoyt said. "I'm just glad he didn't gag, torture, and kill me while I'm topless and then drive away in a stolen car. You never know what men get into these days."
Reporters spoke to Smith just how he managed to attain this level of sexual divinity.
"I had a head start over my peers who were banned from watching movies with a lot of sex in them," Smith said. "I don't really talk to them anymore, since many of them have since grown up to become gruesome serial killers."
