There's A Reason Grandma Sits That Way...

Written by Harry Klondike

Sunday, 6 March 2016


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This leap year afforded the African American community an extra day of Black History Month; let's hope it was enjoyed because it may be the last one America ever has.

The election season has been ugly to say the least. Amidst the turmoil of the electorate, politicians have been especially on edge. One contentious issue: black lives. Yes, they matter- but in the eyes of Washington's elite they're also irritating. It would seem a wedge issue pitting the police against minorities would be a golden wrapped box of chaos in which any political hopeful would love to get their hands on. Issues stirring strong emotion and anger shut down the critical thinking of the masses thus easing the whole electoral gauntlet. The empty promises can be less disguised- loud rhetoric rules the day and whoever has the strongest vocal cords wins at the proverbial finish line. This frees up the real mental power for the back room deals and negotiations that really keep America running.

Generally minorities are used to create anger among the liberal democrats and for conservative republicans, fear peppered with anger is the spicy dish offered to their constitutiants. For the first time in the history of "politics as usual" the democrats have been angered by their minority base due to the bombastic black lives matter movment. The protest and town hall heckling has simply crossed a thin delicate line which has lead to a domino effect.... the social upheaval brewing is unlike anything the left or right wing could have imagined.


First let's go back to April 2008- Broward County Florida. It was a beautiful spring afternoon being taken in by Rachael Stein and her graceful silver haired bubbie Hadassah Pearlmutter. According to Rachael, "On Tuesdays I'd always visit bubbie at her assisted living facility. She was 85 years young and so funny! Sharp as a tack! We had such a wonderful and open relationship. You always knew how she felt about things. We never had to hide our feelings from one another. On one particular visit we were walking around the pond area when bubbie piped up with- 'I can't stand that bitch Sarah. I wish that fat Cuban janitor would schtup her up the tuchas... that'd put her in her place. To bad such an act isn't possible...' I was stunned at what she'd said! Such an act not possible!?! Could it be my wise bubbie didn't realize the yes it was and is a very real possibility- not to speak of sensual pleasure, where such a subject was concerned!?! It turns out she didn't! She had no idea one could use their rectum for more than defecating! I thought, how wide spread is this among our seniors? I began investigating at that point."

And investigate she did. Her findings weren't surprising at all. Most elderly people, no matter the gender, failed to equate one's hind quarters with love making. For Rachael it was time to issue a Clarion call. This started as an appeal to the staffers at her grandmother's facility. They balked at the idea of giving "kinky sex ed" to a bunch elders. An infuriated Rachael contacted her local congressman, the ADL, and sued the facility in which her grandmother was staying "for wanton and flagrant elder abuse and discrimination". The lawsuit was kicked out but flash forward three years and in 2011 there was a burgeoning sexual revolution going on. The "mostly" horrified seniors were being taught the ins and outs of the down and dirty.

"The next natural progression was to have a dedicated week or month for this issue." Rachael continues. "Originally it was April but now, from what I understand it's going to be moved to February." And in case you're wondering what February is going to become- here it is:

Senior Citizen Anal Sex Awareness and Appreciation Month
(a new holiday is born)

Whispers began swirling around D.C. that a replacement to Black History Month was being sought and this might be in the running. Mel Johnston, a Beltway insider, explained the convoluted affair thusly;
At first the right wingers were happy to ditch Black History Month- the liberals were against it until a few months ago. They wanted a replacement though. It was driven by spite, not social demand. If a replacement were to be had it needed to be "progressive". There were lots of things thrown around- Pansexual Remembrance Month, Native American Genocide Condolence Month, but then this geriatric anal sex thing came along and it struck a cord for some reason. I think the opportunity to sexualize the elderly was seen as an overlooked social issue by some.

When word of the potential replacement holiday was announced, the KKK which was once in rapturous joy became furious; their tempers were kept in check, however, knowing that the blacks had their holiday revoked. The Republicans were upset at the tawdry replacement but figured they could use it against the Democrats by framing them as amoral sexual degenerates."

As with any socially conscious date on the calendar, the children needed to have a curriculum as well. Enter psychologist Rabbi Lawrence Keyes PhD., who specializes as a consultant for K-12 lesson planning on issues of moral importance. His involvement in a book, aimed at kindergartners titled, "There's a Reason Grandma Sits That Way" proved to be more than the public could tolerate. Even the KKK adopted an official stance of letting Black History Month stay as/is. Mr. Johnston added, "Oddly enough those associated with neo Nazi ideology were happy with all this. They quickly zoomed in on the who's who and found the affair was quite top heavy with people who were Jewish or at least identified as such. This allowed them to say- see folks a classic Jewish bait and switch swindle. Joe six pack thinks the blacks are being put in their place while Jews want to further corrupt the family."

Now for those having trouble keeping score; it started as follows:

Black History Month abolished:

Liberal Dems: yea
Conservative Rep: yea
KKK: yea
Neo Nazis: yea

It ended

Liberal Dems: nay
Conservative Rep: nay
KKK: nay
Neo Nazis: yea
(for all the neo Nazi's may be; flip floppers they aren't)

This had me wondering where do the actual African Americans stand on this issue. They are seemingly left out of the whole fracas. I'll simply write what one Sharee Lincoln of Baltimore had to say:

"Baby, it ain't just about us. All lives matter period. And for black history month- I say rename it to American History Month- we a part of this country both good and bad. Don't just single us out- but don't leave us out neither. We here, and we are just as American as some red headed boy playin' baseball in Kansas is. Now if you'll excuse me I gotta go call my sista and tell her 'bout y'all crazy ass white people wantin' to teach yalls' grandmammas and granddaddies how screw up da butt!!!"

As it now stands no one is willing to touch February with a 10 foot poll. Let's just hope for all the grandmothers of America no one is willing to touch their behinds with a 10 foot pole- or any pole shaped object no matter what it's length...
....besides, as my own grandmother told me, it's the girth- not the length that's important.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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