Donald Trump was the last to show up at his convention in Texas yesterday, where he wailed and railed about Latino people, calling them a number of vile and racist names. He also threw some racist rhetoric at one of the favorite sons of Texas, Ted Cruz, a U.S. Senator from the Great Lone Star State, screaming that Cruz sailed into Washingon D.C. on a banana boat.
Some nubile and pretty young ladies - most likely in their late 20's or early 30's - were in the front row brandishing signs that read: "Let's Make America Almost as Good as Texas Again!".
"Ha ha ha. I love that sign," Trump shouted as he took the stage, giving the pretty ladies his big 'thumb's up sign;. "Those young girls. Do you think they want to have anything to do with a guy like me? Of course they do, I'm a billionaire," Trump told a standing-room-only audience at the amphitheater of Sam Houston Race Park, located in an unincorporated area of northwestern Houston. Some attendees weathered chilly temperatures since the previous night for the event, slated to start at 7 p.m. But Trump made his entry at 10:35 p.m.
Trump had an expensive sharkskin suit jacket draped over his left shoulder as he spoke for three hours in front of a crowd of about 5,000 people. A crowd of protesters - all from Minnesota - crashed the event and Trump supporters kicked them, shoved them, and even tried to set on fire an elderly lady wearing a tee-shirt that screamed in bleeding crimson on a jet-black fabric: DUMP TRUMP! HE'S THE GRAND CYCLOPS OF THE KU KLUX KLAN!
The amphitheater sits alongside the race park and the last live act that played there - about a month ago - was Going to a Go-Go, which is an all-girl cover band that only sings songs made popular by The Go-Go's, a pop outfit from the '80's. And Sam Houston Race Track's management team also paid this cover band handsomely to entertain the audience until The Donald made his appearance on stage.
Going to a Go-Go played four songs only, but they played these songs over and over again for five hours straight.
Going to a Go Go is comprised of obese, snaggle-toothed, tone-deaf metrosexuals.
"Who in the hell are the Go-Go's?" Trump screamed to the audience during a lull. "I think I must've banged all of them at one time or another."
Meantime, there was absolute havoc inside the amphitheater. Cacophonous cries sounding like rebel yells shook the seats and the amphitheater walls.
"Trump sucks! He's a Yankee weasel!"
"Trump's a pinko, orange-colored pig and a blonde-haired, toupee-ridden prototype of the Orange Race!"
"We want Ted! We want Ted! We want Ted!"
"Vote for Ted Nugent as leader of the Free World!"
"Ted rocks! Ted rules!"
"Trump's not even human! He's made out of orange juice and orange marmalade!"
"Trump's wife is a mule!"
"Trump's wife is a concubine!"
"Trump's wife is a porcupine! Is this country ready to have such an amphibian as a First Lady?"
"Trump bought his hair at a delicatessen!"
"Dump Trump or forever hold your piece! I've got my trusty old .44 magnum right in my right pocket over hey're. Trump's a lily-slivered pinko faggot!"
"Mr. Trump, if I hear you say 'You're fired' again, well …. Can you spare me a couple dollars until my crazy check from Social Security bounces into my checking account?"
- Anyhow, these were a few of the cries and jeers this reporter heard as he was covering this event for The Spoof. I had an unlimited expense account, and believe it or not, Lone Star longnecks were the festivity's favorite beverage.
And as I guzzled down the elixir from the best Texas had to offer, Donald Trump's bodyguards descended on the troublemaking Minnesotans and hit them with crowbars and baseball bats.
From the podium, Trump said, "Let 'em have it, boys. They're all dressed up like Klansmen from the Klondike! Show them what happens to troublemakers!"
An elderly widow who was hit over the head with a large crowbar crawled out of the amphitheater on her hands and knees. Bleeding badly, she was quickly transported via helicopter ambulance to a nearby hospital that is a top-notch trauma center. She wore a sweater with a butterfly on its front. At press time, there was no word on her condition. A hospital spokesperson said she was in the hospital's ICU.
"I'm not going down without a fight," a burly goliath from Duluth snarled. He grabbed a crowbar from one of Donald Trump's paid goons. Then he kicked the goon several times, grabbed this security person's arm, twisted the arm behind the guy's back and the monster from Minnesota snarled, "Just say Uncle!"
Meanwhile, as this fight played out, Donald Trump stood at the podium on an elevated stage that was adorned with a curtain overhead that read: LET'S MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN!!! "Security, security, arrest that behemoth from Bismarck, will ya? Where in the hell are my security goons when I need them? You guys must all be illegal aliens because you can't understand a word I say and you're all lazier than hell. Puerto Ricans are my least kind of Mexicans; and I swear the security goons my staff hired for this event must all be Puerto Ricans stowaways from the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria," Trump yelled into the microphone.
After a bit the crowd settled down to a slight roar. There was more motion in the amphitheater than there is crazed activity on the ice at a hockey game. "Now where was I?" Trump said in a more relaxed tone. "Oh, I was just talking - before these troublemakers so badly disrupted me with their riot - about building a wall around Mexico.
"Well, I'm going to do it, by gawd, and I'm throwing that gigantic bill for $700 billion right on the Mexican Emperor's desk. And if he doesn't pay for it, I'll mail that bill to Argentina. And if that doesn't work, it's going to Costa Rica, maybe even Honduras."
"Trump sucks! Trump's a loser!"
"Security, security, go over there and hit that jackass over the head with one of your crowbars, will ya?" Trump snorted into the microphone. "Could all the TV stations covering this event just shut their cameras down for a bit? And all you newspaper reporters - just put your pens and pencils in your pockets for a while and close your reporter pads. I just love those things. They're so thin and cool. I'm going to buy a couple million of them for myself."
Trump went on to talk about that if he was born during Elizabethan English days, and if he lived in England during this time, that he could have "…banged Queen Elizabeth. She was one hot babe," he uttered.
Then he talked a bit about his economic plans of printing money. There will never be a recession or a depression in the USA because once he's in office, he will get rid of all "small" currency under $100.
"If you want to be big, you've gotta think big. I'm only printing hundred-, thousand-, and ten-thousand dollar bills. The paper money we have in the USA only goes up to a $100,000 bill. Well, I'm getting that currency press at Camp Lejeune to blast out $1 million, $2 million, even $5 million bills. And that's just for starters. I'm considering printing billion dollar bills, too, in varying amounts," he said.
"All those coins, they're going to be melted down and the metal will later be smelted to create slot machines, washers and dryers, and refrigerators. I'm considering using one dollar, five dollar, and fifty dollar bills like we now use pennies, nickels and quarters. I will eradicate poverty. I tell ya folks, I'm a genius. I betcha Ted Cruz and John Kasich wish they thought of this thing," he said.
After the shindig, Trump said he would not have a press conference. He marched out of the amphitheater with his parade of ditzy blonde bimbos, boarded his private jet and zoomed into the sky.