Washington DC - Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts wrote that religious groups who want to worship without having sodomites doing it in their pews will have to "shut up and deal with it or face the full coercive, incendiary wrath of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms."
Roberts wrote that ruling in favor of religious expression would "not benefit me personally" and could lead to "many uncomfortable moments" at "DC area social gatherings" at which "pro-sodomite liberals tend to predominate."
In a concurring opinion, conservative justice Samuel Alito wrote, "my wife is a shrew and I rely on the social gatherings referred to supra by Chief Roberts in order to find gullible, fresh out of college, Congressional aides that I can pound with my proverbial gavel, which is, let's face it, just a creative way to say screw like jack rabbits." Alito then went on for pages denying that he meant he had ever screwed any animal, let alone "a jack rabbit."
"People don't have rights," he wrote. "But jack rabbits sure as fuck do."
Gay and Lesbian groups lauded the Supreme Court's decision, among them attorneys for the gay couple of ten who brought suit for being arrested after "doing a chain" during a Sunday School Lesson in which children as old as five were coloring in animals in a Noah's Ark coloring book. The "buckfutters", as the group has come to be called, were initially present to protest the animals not all being gay, but their protest quickly degenerated into an orgy, leading to their arrest.
"This decision proves that the irrational fears of the reactionary right that allowing gays to hold hands in public would lead to men marrying horses were unfounded. All that has happened is that homosexuals now have the right to express their love for each other rectally in church pews during the Eucharist, whatever that may be," said Tony Cram of the law firm Johnson, Cram, and Harder that took the case pro bono.
Justice Clarence Thomas dissented, saying that the right to "do it homosexually in front of others who don't want to watch it" is to be found nowhere in the Constitution and said that if "a bunch of butt reamers want to obtain it, they need to avail themselves of the amendment process as have in the past pussy 18 year olds upset about dying face down in the rice paddy Buffalo dung in Vietnam without being able to vote."
Ruth Ginsburg fell from her chair as Justice Roberts read his opinion but was quickly propped up by Anthony Hopkins and whisked away and propped up in a rocking chair next to a third floor window in a creepy old house next to a little used California highway. Court watchers say her departure will have little effect on the Court's ruling.
"She gave Sonia Sotomayor power of attorney to vote for her," said Justice Sotomayor.