Written by Paul Blake

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

image for Hulk Hogan Settles Gawker Lawsuit For Lifetime Supply Of Rippable Clothing
A fresh delivery of rippable fedoras are piled high on Hulk Hogan's front lawn.

Tampa, FL - WWF Wrestling star, Hulk Hogan, was awarded a vein-popping monetary settlement of more than $100 million dollars, with celebrity news website, Gawker, for showing a thrity-second video of The Hulkamaniac naked-wrestling his buddy's wife.

But after his lawyers told Hogan that it could be many years before he ever saw a dime of that money, The Hulk decided to take Gawker's original offer to settle- a lifetime supply of rippable clothing!

Attorney for the wrestler, Jerry Schittzki, explained that it was really a very good deal for his client, and that The Hulkster stood to save a shitload of money over the rest of his life. "Mr. Hogan will never have to buy clothes again!" explained the prominent celebrity lawyer. "If he goes to the beach and wants to go in the water-rip! If he's out to dinner and his jacket gets too tight-rip! If a sunny day suddenly turns cloudy and he doesn't want his hat anymore, you betcha-rip! Every item of clothing in his walk-in closet will be made of the finest rippable fabrics. Yep, life is about to get a whole lot easier for my client. Just think of the money he'll save on laundry and dry cleaning bills alone!"

Sure enough, the clothing settlement will include everything; hats, socks, neckties, gloves, ear-muffs, dinner jackets, hawaiian shirts, slippers, you name it-Hulk Hogan will never, ever have to step foot in a JC Pennys again. Apparently, in just the first few weeks after the deal, The Hulkster has already ripped through close to a half-million dollars in silk thong underwear alone!

And all that textile-tearing is making the folks over at Gawker wondering if they shouldn't have just given Hulk Hogan the jury's outrageous monetary amount and called it a day. "Boy, I tell ya..." said Gawker's CEO, Nick Denton, leaning off the ledge of his Manhattan offices in New York City, "Who the hell rips their goddamn slippers in half? Now I feel like I'm the one that's getting ripped off!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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