Hillary & Donald agree to become one -- literary : unresolved issues remain

Funny story written by Amiko Aventurista

Thursday, 5 November 2015


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The New Face of Hilary Clinton

The world of politics has been shaken, stirred, and flipped. Nothing close to today's events could have been imagined-never!

For the first time in American history, Democrats and Republicans have agreed to merge political parties.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are now one party-Demopublicans. In a joint appearance at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C., in a massive room filled to capacity with cameras and reporters, the two bitter rivals, announced a merging of their campaigns for the highest office in the land. If that were not enough, they went further than any political analyst could have imagined-they announced their intention to become one person!

The candidates each read from prepared remarks and answered questions for over an hour. The candidates demonstrated their commitment to a merger of equals by taking turns to speak and by reading one another's statements. There was a particularly touching moment when Hillary helped Trump turn the page of his statement and when he reciprocated by helping her find her spot on the page.

Wolf Blitzer, appeared disoriented, but managed to ask the candidates how they intend to work out their policy differences. Trump explained that on odd numbered days, their positions would be his and on even days their positions would be Hillary's. Hillary smiled and nodded in full agreement. The news caused Rachel Maddow and Bill O'Reily chest pains and both were transported and admitted to George Washington Medical Center. Both are in critical, but stable condition.

Jorge Ramos, of Univision, demanded to know if undocumented residents will be deported. In perfect SpanEnglish, Hillary answered with an emphatic yes they will be deported, but will be escorted right back to the USA the very next day in time to work, because that would be consistent with their agreement to alternate policy depending on the day. Trump gave two thumbs up.

Fatima Abula Bin Fastoon, of Al-Jeezerah Daily, asked if the merger means that there will be a coherent and united Middle East foreign policy coming out of Washington. To the amazement, and delight of the crowd, Hillary and Trump answered yes and did so by singing a heart-warming duet to the tune of "I've Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher.

The candidates opening discussed the merger benefits. Hillary noted the money saved by not having to campaign, Trump pointed out eliminating lame political commercials and insipid posters, and they both agreed the public will not have to endure pointless debates that have no relationship to whether a candidate would be a great president. They returned often to their center message--American's wants bi-partisanship and they are fully committed to giving the people what they want. Griming ear-to-ear, they also noted, that the merger allows them to serve 16 years together in the White House; 8 years for each.

However, constitutional lawyers are unsure whether 16 years will be possible. Speaking for the American Bar Association, Larry Parker, said it will depend on two factors; will Hillary and Trump really become one person? In other words, will one of them have the sex change operation? And the judgment of the Supreme Court-are they one person or two persons?

During the press conference, there was a bit of tension around the issue of who would undergo the sexual reassignment surgery. Hillary made her case, pointing out that her pant-suits are unisex and there would be no need to reintroduce herself, for the 14th time, to the American public. In a nod to bi-partisanship Trump conceded the point, but countered with his usual bluster-I'm not going to "drag" us into a recession. Despite the minor riff, both candidates appeared committed, going so far as to announce Chaz Bono and Caitlin Jenner as co-chairs of transition. Clinton and Trump stated, "…whether we are adding, or subtracting, Bono and Jenner are uniquely qualified to guide us."

According to an instant Gallup poll taken within 15 minutes of the announcement, it appears the merged campaigns will be formidable in the general election. The merged campaign has a commanding lead with every demographic group, except voters who split typically split their votes between Democrats and Republicans. One such voter, Rene McMahon, perhaps captured their ambivalent feelings best when she said "…I split my vote between Dems and Reps all the time because I don't really know the issues and I figure I can cover my bases, but if they merge, and become one person, I feel like it's against God's will, you know, unnatural."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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