Republicans in the House Threaten to Shut Down the Government Unless the US Postal Service Comes Out with a New Stamp Honoring Ayn Rand

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Sunday, 20 September 2015

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WASHINGTON, D.C.--House Republicans today threatened to shut down the government unless the US Postal Service comes out with a new memorial stamp honoring free-market hero Ayn Rand.

Ayn Rand, who was already memorialized in a postage stamp that came out in 1999, with images from both of her gruelingly long novels The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, needs still another stamp, argued Justin Babbitt of the House Liberty Caucus, to remind Americans how much she despised a sprawling, centralized government and its bureaucracies. Besides, Babbitt continued, "Who reads The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged anymore anyway? I haven't even read them myself, though I did skim the Cliff Notes."

Babbitt assured Post Master General Megan Brennan that the stamp of Ayn Rand would be tasteful and yet reflective of her Libertarian philosophy, Objectivism. It would depict Ayn Rand, in a heroic position, clutching a handful of hundred dollar bills and looking up at a tall skyscraper, with her foot on the face of a homeless man, who is reaching for a half-eaten Big Mac on a street curb.

Babbitt thinks Ayn Rand would have appreciated the design of the new stamp that the Liberty Caucus wants to memorialize her with. He explained, "You know, Rand was quite the stamp collector herself, with a collection of stamps numbering over 50,000 from all over the world at the time of her death in 1982. Although Rand despised most government bureaucracies, she made an exception when it came to the bureaucracies that disseminated mail worldwide."

Nevertheless, the same House members who want to memorialize Rand with a new stamp also want to cut funding for the US Postal Service in 2016, leading, Babbitt and others hope, to the eventual privatizing of mail delivery by 2020. "After all," explained Babbitt, "we don't want to make mail service available to just anyone, including the moochers and the takers; and the only way to avoid that is to privatize mail service, because there is no free lunch in Ayn Rand's America."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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