Chris Christie ended up in an ER in Passaic today after tearing his asshole while shitting out a (supposedly edible) electronic FedEx human tracking device.
"I ate this elephant sized electronic FedEx thing yesterday. And today, it got stuck sideways coming out of my enormous sphincter. I ate this newly designed chip in a sincere effort to prove that tracking people like a package is a piece of cake. Now, my asshole is ripped and stitched and bigger than ever."
As usual, Christie wouldn't shut up. Calling the failed FedEx chip experiment a "royal piercing pain in my anus", and propped up on the world's biggest blowup ass cushion, Christie compared his sex life to the testing of human tracking devices: "I learned early in life that the rhythm method, even though it feels better, doesn't really work. We now have safe, effective contraceptives, and it shouldn't be difficult to track illegals and other bad people anywhere, any time. It has to be easier than finding my penis, especially before my Lap-Band surgery. I used to fret when I would hear: 'Honey, Chris dear, where's your dick? Are you dickless?' My lovers would have to roll back my loads of flab, and probe for my hiding midget wiener. And it wasn't simple taking a piss either. Sometimes I couldn't locate my own penis and my urine would spray everywhere. I couldn't clean up my piss mess that was lower than chest level, because I would've tipped over and rolled around for a while. Want to also know how horrifying it was wiping my ass and breaking toilets?"
Carly Fiorina chirped in: "That's disgusting. But, I remember as a teenager who wanted to be the worst possible CEO, I was a huge fat pig. Kind of the type who had to be rolled in flour to find my wet spot. Maybe Governor Christie should have his stomach staples unstapled, and he could go back to his Mountain Dew and potato chips and McDonald's Dollar Menu diet? Maybe he could just shut the eff up?"