Baton Rouge, LA - In a recent press conference, Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal opened his remarks by stating that "within the first 90 days of a Jindal administration, any and all mirrors in federal and public facilities will be removed and shattered." This is came as a shock to those attending as the unique declaration is unprecedented. When pressed on the rationale for a somewhat bizarre and unorthodox intention, he further explained, "Mirrors reflect photons at the same angle at which they hit the reflective surface - and that reflects reality."
Some have suggested that perhaps a complete ban on mirrors is an overreaction. They've offered a compromise that pocket-sized mirrors and semi-reflective surfaces be used in extreme cases, however Jindal was adamant that full and complete ban was necessary to prevent any sliver of reality from seeping into one's consciousness. He asked the question, "Why bring attention to certain uncomfortable truths by allowing reflective surfaces of any kind?" He added, "Walking, talking, acting, sleeping, crapping and breathing like a southern white man is a 24-7 effort, that simply cannot be disrupted by mirrors reflecting reality."
The move comes off Jindal's initial statement that he's "tired of hyphenated Americans." He later issued similar threats against any and all punctuation and grammatical convention that somehow suggested a nuanced identity. "Back slashes, ampersands, and even parantheticals… you're next. you better watch your back. Your days are numbered.", Jindal later added.
A local Louisiana furniture shop, Olinde's furniture has responded by circulating a "AWM - American's with Mirrors" petition that suggests it is up to the individual to use the mirror with discretion and take responsibility for whatever is reflected. They also cited the similar logic in upholding gun-ownership, "We don't blame the guns, why blame mirrors?" When presented with the petition, Jindal reflected (not into a mirror, though), and said, "Guns are my heritage, mirrors are not."
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) also believed that Jindal may have been quick to make such a declaration, citing rear-view mirrors as providing an indispensable safety function for automobile drivers. Jindal replied, "Why can't people honk to let each other know of their presence? That's what they do in Inddddd---- I mean a certain country that I have absolutely zero connection to..... and... oh-look, there's an eagle in the sky, it must be my ride."
He mentioned to the crowd he had to rush out in order to read Snow White to his children, and said his favorite part was when the evil queen says, "Metallic back-coated glass, metallic back-coated glass on the wall.. who is the fairest of them all?'… Then he raised his arms, clutched the eagle soaring above him, and flew off.
His campaign manager, Timmy Teepell, later concluded, "Enter the Dragon is on, and he has to watch his favorite scene" Link.
