Special to TPN-Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus has revealed that the party's presidential nominee will be determined by the winner of a Mixed Martial Arts (Ultimate Fighting) tournament. "With dozens of party members having thrown their hats in the ring, the committee felt that an actual ring would be the best place to settle the nomination. In this way, we can avoid confusing the voters and, at the same time, avoid talking about the issues."
The rules to be followed will be similar to those set by the MMA, although back-biting will be allowed. The biggest departure from MMA rules will have contestants fight until one gives up, has a heart attack, or breaks down sobbing, whichever comes first. Top prize of $1 billion will be awarded by the Koch brothers and deposited directly into the winner's campaign war chest. The early favorite is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Tickets will be available at the convention venue, the Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland, or from StubHub. Ringside seats for the earlier brackets will start at $2,500, and for the final round are set at $50,000. Sky boxes will be available at an undisclosed price. Quicken is offering special financing on ticket purchases of $5,000 or more. An HBO package will be offered to subscribers in December, 2016.
To liven up each day's competition, a prayer breakfast will be co-hosted by Rev. Pat Robertson and popular fundamentalist pedophile Josh Duggar. The Republican National Committee approached the surviving members of the Grateful Dead band to see if they would perform "U.S. Blues," thinking it was a patriotic song. Member Bob Weir suggested they instead contact Bruce Springsteen to see if he would perform "Born in the USA."
Priebus said that, if all goes well, he sees "no reason why the presidency itself couldn't be decided using a similar format." Chairperson of the Democratic National Committee, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, agreed, but suggested that a cornhole competition be held instead.