Written by Don Grapper

Saturday, 9 May 2015

image for Jeb Bush Stakes Out Middle Ground On Immigration - Favors Driver's Licenses For Immigrants With Limitiations
Jeb Bush Shows Iowa Corn Dog Diners How Big Illegal Immigrant Portable Phones Should Be

Des Moines, Iowa - In response to Hillary Clinton's recent move left on immigration, seen in her promise to take executive action if elected President to grant citizenship to illegals currently in the nation, Jeb Bush yesterday staked out a position to the left of his own party but one that he hopes will seem moderate in a general election. He says he favors giving illegal immigrants driver's licenses but wants to limit them to mopeds.

"It makes them easier to identify," Bush told attendees at an Iowa Corn Dog fundraising dinner. "It is also embarrassing and gives them incentives to become legal, so they can actually drive a car."

Bush also indicated he would favor a watered down version of the Dreamer Act, that allows illegal immigrants who were brought to the U.S. as small children to attend American colleges and Universities.

"I say let them in but make them study sociology," Bush said.

Bush went on to say that sociology is a useless major in a "dubious discipline" and is frequently taken by offensive lineman because of its lack of intellectual rigor.

"Again, it gives them an incentive to become citizens, so they can major in something serious, that will actually teach them something and qualify them for serious jobs," Bush said.

Bush told supporters that a gradualist approach that will embarrass and bore illegals into seeking citizenship on their own is better than Hillary Clinton's "blanket amnesty."

"The whole idea is to make the bureaucratic nightmare of applying for citizenship seem less onerous than being seen on a moped and majoring in sociology," Bush said.

Bush also said he was interested in exploring "public-private" partnerships with cable services to create special custom cable and satellite packages that gave illegals only crappy channels.

"Being forced to choose between QVC, BET, and ESPN II Poker ought to incentivize millions to get in line and apply for citizenship the right way," he said.

Bush also proposed that illegal immigrants only be allowed to use huge, hulking portable phones that require a big, heavy case and a strap instead of the sleek smart phones that they have now.

"The key is discomfort and inconvenience, to make everyday life a huge, annoying, pain in the ass," he said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more