French Lick, Indiana - Duane Fick, 27, can assure the presiding judge in his upcoming trial that his beloved cat, Fuggles, is pissed-seriously pissed. And from what this reporter can gather, that piece of evidence seems to hold true. "Fuggles has never, ever been an angry cat," exclaimed Mr. Fick, in a highly excitable, female-like voice. "ever since I found him on the streets of Brooklyn, he's just been my super, sweety-weety, snuggle-wuggle puss-" Fick sobbed, while flicking through Istagrams of happier times with Fuggles.
And Fuggles' furious owner, Fick, swears that Fuggles' foul change in mood all stems from a recent run-in with the local kennel, "The Puss and Pooch Motel," after the kennel decided to deny Fuggles' service under the new law allowing businesses to discriminate on religious beliefs. "The drop off was going perfectly normal," squealed a spastic Mr. Fick, who had used this particular kennel service several times in the past. "And then, after I told them that Fuggles had just gone through a really bad online break-up, in a gay-cat chatroom, and shouldn't be put in with other men cats right now-well, boy, they looked right into Fuggles' little cat mascaraed eyes, and pointed him straight towards the door!" sobbed Fick. "It was a catastrophe!"
(Mr. Fick then collapsed for a good twenty minutes behind the garbage can in the corner of the Starbuck's we were conducting the interview in. And after the police arrived and settled him back down, Fick regained his composure and finished the interview before being arrested.)
"You just can't imagine what seeing your beloved gay animal's heart, being crushed like that, is like," said Fick, drying his eyes, then adding: "Man, you just wouldn't believe how big of a pain in the ass it was, taking an angry Fuggles to Gay Burning Man for an entire week!"
Mr. Fick was then dragged out of the Starbucks backwards by his feet after resisting arrest, and thrown in the trunk of a police car with a stolen Men's 24" Mountain Bike-teal green with the words Stump Grinder on the frame, (just in case this happens to be your bike.)
Trial is scheduled to go to court as soon as Fuggles' lawyer can ascertain evidence of his client's alleged homosexuality. "Shouldn't be too difficult to get some evidence out of old Fuggles," shot back a very cocky Mr. Bullsteam, Fuggles' attorney, when phoned for comment. "I got my ways," he assured, leaving us to only imagine his methods.
Writer's note: Attorney Bullsteam rose to fame during his most highly-publicized trial in 2010: A Heard of Sheep vs. The Farm of Ben Dover & Phil McKraken.