GOP Senators Don't Use the Internet

Funny story written by Dirk Dickens

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

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South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, who sits on a subcommittee for Privacy, Technology and Law, stated during a recent interview that he doesn't use the Internet.

The question came up when he was asked about the recent controversy surrounding Hillary Clinton sending emails using her own private server while she was Secretary of State.

"Bless her little heart," said Graham smiling. "Because of her server, whatever that is, we've hit the Benghazi mother lode. But you know if she were more like me, she wouldn't be in this mess. I don't use the Internet."

It turns out Graham isn't the only GOP senator that's avoids all things Internet.

House Speaker John Boehner recently said, "It's nothing but trouble. Nothing's private. Look at that mess with North Korea hacking Sony and putting all their business out there - all over a movie. Did you see it by the way? Good one. I love James Franco."

"I stay off the Internet, no emails, YouTube, Myspace, none of that stuff," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "The hackers or the NSA won't find any cyber-footprint for me. Not that the NSA would be looking in anybody's email. They don't do that sort of thing. And don't listen to that Snowden guy. Traitor."

Senator John McCain also said he doesn't use the Internet either. Asked how he gets by without it, McCain laughed and replied, "Morse code. Just kidding. I have my interns take care of that stuff. I dictate or pass notes to them. They also do that social media stuff for me. Like that Twitter. Tweeter? Whatever it's called, you won't see pics of my junk on it like former congressman Anthony Weiner. Poor Weiner. See. That's what happens when you use the Internet."

Graham said, "I miss the good old days when receiving mail was a big deal. That's why we sent a letter to the Iranian leaders about the nuclear deal talks with Obama, instead of a cold email. We thought it would have more punch. I guess it worked. Everybody's talking about it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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