Hospital's Center For Stiffy Research Handling Man's Prolonged Morning Wood

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Thursday, 12 June 2014

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GRANITE PEAK, WHEELING, WV -- An Ohio County man whose morning wood lasts well into the afternoon has prompted the medical community to rethink its definition of the condition.

Dr. Fernando Massive, director of Wheeling Hospital's Center for Stiffy Research, said he is studying the patient, Richard Pole of Big Wheeling Creek, as physicians try to get a handle on this phenomenon.

"The morning erection is naturally caused as the brain enters the REM-deep sleep phase, relaxing the body," said Dr. Massive. "But a short period after we wake up, start preparing for our day and turn on Kathie Lee and Hoda, it usually will flop down like a tired hunting dog at his master's feet."

Pole, known to his friends as "Hedgehog," said his morning wood may last so long because he has very little stress in his life.

"I usually sleep til 11 (a.m.), have some soft porn breakfast in bed then hardcore porn for lunch on the couch," said Pole, an out-of-work live-in boyfriend with unusually large feet and hands.

"I'm usually pitching a tent most of the day."

Dr. Massive said that if anyone experiences prolonged morning wood, they should contact their physician, or seek immediate "treatment" at Wheeling Hospital's Center for Full Body Massage.

Dr. Massive said to mention his name, then ask for a physical therapist named Kimmy who performs a "hidden dragon" procedure. If you would like music during your session, request "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors, he said.

"We want to penetrate the vast mysteries of extended morning wood," Dr Massive said. "We fear it could cause heart palpitations, chest pains and force you to wear 'dad pants.'

"If left untreated, you may find yourself confined to a downtown pawn shop's basement and used for unspeakable purposes."

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