Grill Buried Alive! Class Action Suit Puts Homeowners on Ice!

Funny story written by Ar Pearl

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

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Memories of a happier time.

Snow-covered patio furniture took their complaints to the New Hampshire State Supreme Court after being buried for weeks under excessive snow banks.

Patio Furniture Reps report that New England's extreme subarctic temperatures and record-breaking snow accumulations have hit backyard grills, chairs and tables particularly hard this winter.

"I haven't been able to move for over a month now. My legs are frost-bitten, and my top is beginning to crack from all the extra weight I'm carrying," complained a cute, contemporary, 14 inch, glass-topped table from Rye, NH, a shore town hit particularly hard by three sequential monster snowstorms.. "The lack of mobility caused by excessive snow has caused an unprecedented weight gain of over 40 pounds. I've never been this heavy!" exclaimed the disabled table known for her slender Queen-Anne legs.

Carpen Terant, a furniture builder in Wolfeboro, NH, concurs that extra winter weight gain often leads to serious orthopedic health problems for outdoor furniture. "Leg and arm fractures, as well as joint subluxations, are the most common injury at this time of year and very costly to repair. Plastic surgery can't even fix resin chairs that have been structurally compromised!"

But, orthopedic issues aren't the only dangers faced by these brave outdoor tables and chairs. A powerful rooftop snow avalanche crushed an arts and crafts bench which was inadvertently placed beneath the eaves.

A backyard Weber propane grill endured painful gas retention issues when its tank was buried following roof raking.

"I am still having a hard time getting the gas to flow, and my owners are discussing replacing me. I had no choice but to join this class action suit!" proclaimed the grill.

Even more violent, was the story of a young Adirondack chair that got a nasty painful, surprise when a giant icicle dropped from 50 feet puncturing its arm.

Carpen Terant has been working feverishly with wood filler to repair the gaping unflattering hole.

"No question that there will be a scar," Terant acknowledged with obvious frustration. "Disfiguring scars can do a real number on the self-esteem."

Not all home insurance policies cover repair or replacement costs. Soldering, welding or wooden leg replacement are expensive and leave homeowners without outdoor seating, and disabled furniture with no where to go. It is not uncommon for these discarded, impaired items to end up in junkyards which are already inundated by maimed unwanted furniture. Programs to rehabilitate and recycle patio dining sets are underway, but have been unsuccessful due to fundraising hurdles.

The plaintiff's lawyers hope, at the very least to raise awareness, and at the most, to win the case for their damaged, disenfranchised clients. Outspoken, lead attorney, Cherry Wood declared, "Outdoor furniture is entitled to the same treatment as their indoor relatives. Heck, if we win this, I have plans to purchase a hand-crafted, teak furniture set, an outdoor kitchen, and a fire-pit with a stone surround". A splinted picnic table elbowed the attorney and said, "Please don't forget to include the gazebo."

DISCLAIMER: This is a satire news story. Grills, couches and chairs are currently not, I repeat, are NOT suing anybody.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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