All of Cuba was hammered by a snowstorm last night which dumped twelve feet of snow on the island. Both the Cuban government and the U.S. Congress are blaming President Barack Obama.
"It's a catastrophe. We've never had this much snow. Adios, amigos, we've never had any snow," said Cuban foreign affairs official Pedro Gonzales.
Gonzales said the snow was falling like an avalanche from the sky, the cold white stuff was so thick.
"We know it has something to do with Obama opening up normal diplomatic relations with us again. Your President is a scoundrel!" Gonzales said.
According to the Weather Center of Cuba, the snowstorm began somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, about 100 miles west of Hawaii, then took a southerly path, going around the southern tip of South America, then it climbed up the continent's eastern seaboard, landed right over the Cuban Island, and began dumping snow worse than any polar blizzard.
No other Caribbean islands were hit by the snowstorm, although it drizzled last night in areas of Haiti and some dandy winds ripped around Jamaica, the Weather Service of Cuba reported.
"Obama has to have a weather machine. If this is his idea of diplomatic relations, we'd be much happier having no relations with such a gringo,"" Gonzales said.
"There's nothing worse than a political leader with a sick sense of humor. If he thinks this is funny or cute, none of us are laughing. This stuff won't melt and be gone until August," Gonzales said.
"Your President is a tyrant!" he screamed.
Mitch McConnell, majority leader of the U.S. Senate, said it's just one more item to add to a litany of terrible, mean, horrible things that Obama has done since he became President of the United States.
"Nobody even heard about climate change until Obama came along," McConnell said. "We never had any problems. Everything was hunky dory. But since he's been President, we've noticed the weather's been awfully funny and strange."
"I have a feeling that as soon as Obama leaves office, the weather's going to turn beautiful again," McConnell said.
"We've never had weather this bad. Never ever," said Ohio Gov. John Kasich. "I remember back in the days when Ohio and Pennsylvania winters were so nice they were almost like summer. When's Obama leaving? He really should leave. The next time that Polar-Snortex hits, it might land right over the Buckeye State."
"I've decided to keep my fight going. I've never liked the Dallas Cowboys. That's a myth and a lie that was generated by who else? Obama, of course. And I never even heard of the George Washington Bridge until, guess who, Obama, as in Barack Obama, tried to burn me at the stake for that fiasco," said New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
"Let's face it, the weather's been terrible over the last four or five years. And who's to blame? Obama. Hook, line and sinker," Christie said.
"Obama's got a weather machine. I've seen it," said Speaker of the U.S. House John Boehner.
"It's big. Gargantuan. He keeps it somewhere in Area 51. He flies out there and fools around with that machine all the time. Do you know all those golfing trips and vacations he takes? Well, it's not him. He has a duplicate. A double. The guy looks exactly like Obama and whenever the urge hits the President to mess around with that weather machine of his, look out," Boehner said.
When asked how and when he actually saw the weather machine, Boehner snorted, "I've gotta go. I'm late for a meeting. Bye."
The Young Republicans Club of Foolshardy College, just outside of Washington, D.C., have been measuring the weather since Obama took the helm on January 20, 2009. Pearly Stoutameyer, president of this college club, said the weather has drastically changed since the 44th president took office.
"All that stuff Al Gore wrote and spoke about? That global warming stuff? Well, it was all just one big smokescreen to protect Obama. If you haven't noticed yet, both Obama and Gore have a big, fat 'D' after their last names. They're really good buddies," Stoutameyer said.
"In fact, we've heard rumors that whenever President Obama flies out to Area 51 to fool around with his weather machine, Mr. Gore sometimes rides along. Strange, isn't it?"
"Now I have no solid proof of this, but I have sources. And they're all sane and in their right minds," she added.
According to her sources, Stoutameyer said the weather machine is the size of a 16-story building and has all sorts of gizmos and gadgets all over its exterior. It glows like a lightning bug and makes noises like a screech owl.
"It's a horrible-looking thing, that's what I hear," she said.
President Obama was unavailable for comment and the President's press secretary said he didn't want to talk about the weather.
"And no, I don't want to answer any questions about a weather machine," Press Secretary Slugs Spillmen said. "Because there is no weather machine!"
