Teheran - Iranian sexologist Sheik Ratel-n-Rol, the "Renegade Imam" is on the run again tonight after publishing Goggle's 2014 statistical analysis of internet porn use on his popular "Under the Hijab" sex-discussion blog.
According to the report, as in previous years more than 80 percent of porn searches originate from terrorist organisations, especially those in Iran and Turkey. The largest group of fantasies involve children, parents, and animals.
"These important and revealing statistics," said the Sheikh, who has often miffed the mullahs with his liberal views, "show that terrorists are totally obsessed with sex, death, incest and bestiality. It's clearly a pathology.
"The most obvious symptoms are the waves of murder and sexual brutality currently sweeping the world."
According to the head of Al-Qaeda's Morality Police, the Sheik's insights, which have been compared to Freud's, are "so obviously and terrifyingly true", that he had no choice but to order his execution and the site's immediate suppression.
"Did you know that most of the pornography requests from terrorists are for 'Mommy' and 'Daddy'?" the officer asked, apparently still shocked. "What is this Oedipus Complex thing, anyway?"
At his request, a supporting Five-Star Fatwa, the most punitive there is, was unanimously issued. "Sex is dirty, disgusting," a large gray beard explained.
Known widely as "the Islamist Freud," Sheik Rat-el-n-Rol has recently attracted condemnation for advocating freer and more open discussions about sex among terrorists.
Speaking from an undisclosed location last night, he said that the violent fundamentalism now distorting "the religion of peace" is obviously fueled by sexual ignorance, induced guilt, and the horrific repression of women.
"Merely speaking to a strange man," he said, "can get a female murdered and even stoned to death. The ridiculous assumption is that she must have immediately offered herself to him and he most probably accepted on the spot. Wham, bam and thank you, as you Americans say."
The Sheikh pointed out that young ISIS and Al-Qaeda militants are kept in a state of constant sexual tension by the Mullahs. On the one hairy palm, even lustful thoughts are strictly forbidden, but on the other, some women, especially wives, slaves and infidels, may be abused and slaughtered without compunction.
"The present death cult," said the Sheikh, "is palpably fueled by sexual frustration. Look at the rapes and abductions accompanying every massacre."
He added sadly: "Seventy-two virgins. What a pathetic, adolescent idea of Paradise."
