PENTAGON - Following his interview with YouTube sensation Glozell Green, President Obama was so impressed with the human bundle of energy that he announced she will be replacing the worthless and lame Secretary of State, John Kerry, in ongoing nuclear talks with Iran. Mr. Obama said Glozell possesses several traits that Mr. Kerry lacks.
"She can eat Fruit Loops in a tub that's full of milk! Have you seen that?! It's crazy, I could watch it over and over again," the President remarked. "Kerry can only do stuff in tubs full of ketchup. It's not nearly as exciting."
The President thinks Iranian leaders may be so distracted by Ms. Green's trademark green lipstick that they just might agree to sign anything she puts in front of them. "Kerry is getting us nowhere," the President said. "It's time to go with a new strategy. After Glozell used her 'dick'-tator joke about Castro during our interview, well, I knew I was talking to someone special."
Ms. Green and a cargo plane full of Fruit Loops, along with a pallet of cinnamon, will depart for Iran immediately. After greeting the Supreme Leader with "How is you doin'? Is you OK?" Glozell will try to win over the Iranians with her 'swimming in a tub of milk while she eats Fruit Loops' stunt. She will offer the country's leader an unlimited supply of the cereal if they will stop their nuclear program.
If all else fails, she will have no choice but to throw down the gauntlet - challenging the Ayatollah to the Cinnamon Challenge, which Glozell has performed to some acclaim in the past. If she wins, Iran has to stop pursuing a nuclear future. It ain't easy bein' green.