Washington - British diplomatic sources are adamant there will be no Jeffrey Epstein-style peroxide hanky-panky for David Cameron when he hunkers down for a White House sleepover tonight.
"Besides," First Attache Sir Humpfree Whorsely commented, "everybody knows that White House hos - uh, presidential comfort women! - are mostly Mexican skanks who mainline mouthwash and carbolic.
"Apparently they remind Mr Cameron of Kate Middleton and other toxic Italian slags."
Cameron will be President Obama's guest at the Queen's Bedroom, an ornate chamber reserved for Sovereign Head of State and not mere whippersnapper chancers like this British Prime Monster.
"Maybe he'll have to sleep with Michelle," Sir Humpfree mused, "or her mother Mrs Marion Robinson - aargh...choke...splutter...
"Or Rev Al Sharpton's coke dealer? Perhaps all three just to get through the night."
The one thing that's certain is that Cameron's wife won't be accompanying her husband on this DC jolly 'because it's her period' and other stuff.
On Friday morning Cameron will hold a press conference with President Obama about plans to screw over Putin and other badass cunts.
The King if Saudi Arabia, Abdullah the Magnificent, is close to kicking the bucket in Riyadh tonight.
