Obama Issues Himself A Presidential Pardon

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

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WASHINGTON -- In the wake of the Senate Select Committee Report on CIA torture showing a grisly, reckless brutality, a violation of the U.S. Constitution and the Geneva Accords, President Obama issued himself a pardon for possible illegal activities committed under his administration.

Obama also pardoned the CIA torturers and President Bush, Vice-President Cheney, as well as other Bush Administration officials who sanctioned the torture.

Bush authorized the building of secret prisons abroad. The National Security Council approved of CIA torture in these "black sites," and the Justice Department provided legal rationale to justify torture there as well as at Gitmo. Bush and Cheney oversaw it all.

President Obama pardoned himself from future prosecution from a future administration for approving and overseeing "signature drone strikes" in various Middle East and African Countries. In these attacks, drone operators in the U.S. fire on people whose who they do not know based on suspicious behavior or other "signatures" of young males. Many civilians have been killed in such strikes. Attacks on wedding parties are the most notorious in causing a large number of such deaths.

According to some reports "signature strikes" account for most of U.S. drone attacks. The Obama Administration doesn't acknowledge that such drone attacks occur. Therefore, basic questions remain unanswered. No legal rational or operational guidelines exist for the secret signature strikes which cause strong anti-American sentiment in such countries as Pakistan. Critics say that they greatly aid in ISIS recruiting.

Said Professor of Political Science, Rupert C. Jones of Harvard, "Obama couldn't very well pardon himself without doing the same for other politicians who have engaged in potentially illegal behavior."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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