Arizona School Board May Burn Science Books

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Friday, 28 November 2014


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GILBERT, Ariz. - A biology textbook, widely used in the state, has come under attack by a suburban school board in Gilbert. The school board has voted to exise or redact two pages in the book -544 and 545 -because they discuss sexually transmitted diseases, contraception and a drug to prevent pregnancy. The board is also reviewing other biology books and two anatomy books because they hint that human beings have genitals.

"I'm a Catholic; we do not contracept," said school board member Rita Gomez-Boracho. "It's a grave sin. I follow the teachings of Arizona Cardinal Baloney on this,"

Another board member, Harry Handjob, said, "I would not want to censor pages 544-545 if they had just recommended abstinence, were anti choice, were pro-adoption and didn't mention things like sex. Our kids shouldn't know about such things. We need to keep them pure and innocent."

There was dissention at the school board meeting over the issue of how to destroy the 2 pages in over 1,000 biology textbooks used by district students. Some wanted to hire undocumented workers in the Gilbert area to cut out the pages with scissors because they would be inexpensive labor. One wanted to have all teachers in the district use black markers to cover the content of the pages. Another said it would be easier to "just have a bonfire and burn all of the books."

Gomez-Boracho agreed with the idea of book burning but said that it should not be held immediately. Too, she said, "We should not start the fires if Cardinal Baloney is out of state or has other engagements. He would want to be there."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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