President Obama today declared war on every country in the world, and upon his own citizens as well.
In so doing, he merely acknowledged what many savvy observers have known or suspected for decades. American troops, private contractors, Homeland Security operatives, so-called "diplomats," and intelligence agents, are conducting overt and/or covert operations wherever there are people to monitor, manipulate, seduce, torture, rape, sabotage or assassinate. Their ancillary espionage activities include everything from trade secrets to the sex lives of heads of state.
"I'm talking hot war, cold war, guerilla war, civil war, tribal spats, superpower tensions: Whatever we can get going," the president added. "We've got an inspired, patriotic infrastructure of men and women -- mostly men of course -- whom we must not deprive of "bad guys" to obliterate. They are champing at the bit to get out there and do their thing. This is their duty and their passion. Our dignity and our economy rely on these brave souls who are as anxious as any jihadist to get going to achieve that heroism thing. No virgins for them, at least not on paper, but lots of perks anyway.
"Why wait for this Chinese water torture to go on, as the drip-drip-drips of information about our activities leak out, creating one scandal after another?" the president continued, getting sleepier by the minute. "Let's just lay it out there: We spy on enemies, we spy on allies, we spy on our own citizens. It's a dangerous world. America is the greatest and most rich and powerful country the world has ever known, but frankly we are also the fraidiest cat of all the fraidy cats who ever lived. We're paranoid, yes, but who can blames us? The world loves us, and yet they also hate us -- go figure. So that leaves us understandably scared to death of every little conversation that might jeopardize our dominion of the Planet. What so proudly we hail might be blown to smithereens at any moment by some nonentity who happens to have a few advanced hacking skills.We must spend most of our national resources on finding and neutralizing these swarthy foes, vaporizing everyone in their vicinity if necessary. To call this "collateral damage" isn't really fair to our great nation. I would prefer to characterize it as an explosive "ounce of prevention."
Our own beloved citizens are as great a threat to America as any foreign upstart. People are having negative feelings, anger, frustrations. They are being manipulated by the liberal media to believe that they have no hope, and that their government is unable to govern. So of course, we must spy on them, to root out the "bad guys" who might start rallying people to attack the Establishment, which is of course the greatest and most rich and powerful establishment EVER, and we can't let that happen. The world's most notorious dictators have learned how to keep their people quiet, complacent, terrified, whatever. We can do the same.
But we will use a velvet glove to quash any significant unrest. At least that will be our initial and public response, cyanide pills in your margarita nothwithstanding. Because we are the land of the free.