Cardinal Baloney Says Women Should Get Health Care at 7-11

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 21 April 2014

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Cardinal Baloney of New York took Easter as the occasion to speak out on female contraception. In a interview that aired Sunday on CBS, host Norah O'Donnell asked Dolan where he stood on the Hobby Lobby Supreme Court case which deals with the issue of whether women should be able to get contraceptives paid for by employers under the Affordable Care Act.

When it was pointed out that 50% of American women, sometime in their lives, could not afford contraception Baloney said they should be like the Virgin Mary and be celibate.

"Besides, we can't suffocate the rights of conscience and unthinking obedience to Catholic doctrine of Catholic employers on women's health issues," said Baloney.

"Just who says that women should have equal access and coverage under the ACA," asked his Divine Holiness.

"Contraceptives, that are now widely available -- my Lord, all you have to do is walk into a 7-11 or any shop on any street in America and have access to them -- is that right to access those and have them paid for, is that such a towering good that it would suffocate the rights of conscience?" said the Cardinal.

But O'Donnell pointed out that one form of contraceptive, birth control pills were not available at 7-11 or Dollar Stores. Birth control pills can be prescribed to treat mid-cycle pain, which some women experience with ovulation. Too, birth control pills, while regulating the menstrual cycle, reduce menstrual cramps and heavy bleeding she said. "

"And for some women they're too expensive," said the CBS host.

But Cardinal Baloney responded, "Our research shows that almost wherever they buy slurpees and corn nuts women can get health care. If they don't get it it's because they're spending too much money on candy and sodas."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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