Uptick In Newly Created Religions Sparks Concern From Federal Courts, Law Officials

Funny story written by Angelo Thomas

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

image for Uptick In Newly Created Religions Sparks Concern From Federal Courts, Law Officials
Tens of thousands more court cases expected..

WASHINGTON D.C.--Trustworthy sources, anecdotes, and first-hand accounts all point to the same thing: hundreds of new religions have been springing up all over the nation in anticipation of the Supreme Court's decision on the Hobby Lobby suit brought against the U.S. government.

Hobby Lobby (an arts&crafts chain) contends that it should not have to comply with the Affordable Healthcare Act's requirement that birth control for women be covered by the insurance plans of companies employing 50 or more people.

"Oral arguments" were heard today in the U.S. Supreme Court, with Conestoga Wood Specialties--a smaller, less important corporation--joining Hobby Lobby as a plaintiff.

A decision is not expected until early June. But if you need something to help you fall asleep, the Audio of the proceedings will likely be on CSPAN at some point.

The case touches on very important fundamental issues with respect to both the workplace and pretty much everything-- Individual rights, religious rights of corporations, secular laws passed by congress, yada yada yada.

The 'Mainstream Media' are reportedly also litigating the case; no word on if they are the swing vote or if it's Justice Kennedy.

Rest assured that this reporter has found the buried lead. The breaking news involves concerns by lawmakers and those in the legal system about a sudden trend in individuals and groups forming brand new religions out of--ostensibly--thin air.

The District of Columbia alone has 7 confirmed reports of religions created in the last 3 days, with titles such as:

God's-Law-Only Parish
My 11th Commandment Apostles
Church of Sinful-I.R.S.-Begone
I-Thought-You-Didn't-Like-Sharia Covenant

among others.

John Doe, the self-proclaimed founder and 'pastor' of the Church of Sinful-I.R.S.-Begone, was forthright with comments:

"Yeah, it's a new religion," said Doe. "But I'm not the only member. My daughter's in it. And my Ma is thinking about it. I know my constitutional rights...just because my religion is very new and very small doesn't mean it's not protected under the law."

Asked to explain the core beliefs of his 'Church', Doe eagerly elaborated.
"Well we haven't yet decided if we have one god, or multiple gods. But however many there are, the book they wrote is ENTIRELY opposed to the Internal Revenue Service, and any form of taxation on any member. This means all the individuals' personal income...not just your run-of-the mill property and institutional exemptions."

"Basically, whoever joins my church is forbidden from paying any personal income taxes. I'm also thinking about other laws that our God(s) overtly condemn. Because not only do these laws go against our core beliefs, but we will be punished by our creator(s) for obeying them."

Asked about his place of worship, Doe said that his newly renovated backyard tool-shed will "do for now." He was more vague about the legal status of his Church with respect to the state.

"Probly takes some paperwork in the county or state office, or something. We are OK with paperwork, by the way. I donno, you're a reporter can you let me know about this process, do you know about it?"
The newly formed 'Autolothists', based in southeast Virginia, pose a particularly vexing problem for law-makers and law enforcers.

"My God," said Joan Day, "the one, true God, prohibits the observation of most traffic laws, on most days."

"Just because my religion is new doesn't mean the texts aren't clear. NOT doing whatever I want in my car on the road is explicitly forbidden. Anyone including police officers who prevent me from observing my religion on the roads will be sued," said Day.

Asked about the safety and rights of other motorists on the road, Day replied "Traffic safety is not in the constitution. Freedom of religion is."
"We're just not ready," said a clerk from one of the District Courts around here. "The Supreme Court's ruling could potentially open a can of worms. The high stacks of paper in my office are already a slippery slope. I can't imagine what this flood of cases would do to them."
"It's almost like...we'd need a new law about 'showing your religious papers' so that with each individual or corporation we'd know which laws we can enforce," said local Sheriff John Law.

"But who knows which new religion could pop up--that could potentially be opposed to the 'show your religion law'--you know?!"
"My company employs 49 people, my God says I must employ at least 50, but if I go to 50 there are some insurance issues with my holy text as well," said an unnamed and frustrated business owner. "I don't know what this country's coming to but the Founding Fathers wouldn't like it."

Area rumors of secular citizens 'getting in on the action'--with completely fabricated faiths--are unconfirmed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more