US #1 In Spying, Cheating & Lying, Says UN Survey

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Saturday, 23 November 2013

image for US #1 In Spying, Cheating & Lying, Says UN Survey
In America, spy craft is taught at an early age.

New York City - While the US leads the world in military might, espionage capabilities and police presence, it is falling behind in such basics as truth telling, promoting freedom and supporting human morality.

So says a recent report by the International Integrity Index (III), which was introduced by the United Nations today to provide an annual reading of the world's moral compass.

"The integrity of a nation is by far its most important resource," a spokesman for the index said. "Yet until now there was no way to measure or compare the honesty and the truthfulness of nations and their leaders."

The International Integrity Index starts by giving each nation 100 points. Then, the country's actions for the year, both on the domestic and international scenes, are reviewed. Good deeds are rewarded with positive points. "Evil" actions lower the score.

The result for the US was a -897 index.

Other significant nations, including Russia and China, joined the US at the bottom of the rankings. In fact, no nation achieved a positive integrity index. Topping the list for honesty was Estonia, which achieved a -15 index. "We just want to be like America," the Estonian Pop Cultural Secretary said. "Have you been to the new food court? They found a way to turn kielbasa into hot dogs."

The new index is beginning its measurements at the bottom of the integrity barrel."There's so much deception going on all levels of international diplomacy, one could say that dishonesty is the new reality," the III report said. "Spying on your allies. Spinning truth into self-serving lies. Governments bought and sold wholesale. And that's just the Vatican."

Reaction from the international community was subdued but not kind. US Secretary of State John Kerry reasoned that "cultural differences" make it impossible to compile a morality yardstick that is "fair and equitable to all parties."

"Nice try, little guys," Kerry added.

West German Chancellor Angela Merkel declared: "Tell Harry Reid that now he is never going to see my t*ts."?

British Prime Minister David Cameron thanked the US espionage services for supplying mailing lists to his offices. "We find them quite useful in promoting our Royal family of fashions."

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was asked to comment. But his pants were already on fire, metaphorically speaking.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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