Washington DC -- House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) has been forced to join "the cult of the living dead," according to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi and other congressional leaders. They charge that the Tea Party branch of the GOP has transformed the nation's highest-ranking congressman into a zombie.
"How else would you explain John's actions over the past few weeks?," Pelosi said. "Suddenly, the tea baggers are his best buddies, and he can't do enough for them. It's like he's been hypnotized or brainwashed or something."
Senate kingpin Harry Reid agreed: "Normally, John has this crazy look in his eyes, a little confused, like he's seeing life through a Teleprompter. Lately though, his eyes are like two worn out poker chips. There's nothing behind them. Someone's gotten to him."
Congressman Paul Ryan defended his new friend. "This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. You start pointing fingers in the wrong direction. Implying that congressman John Boehner is a pothead who can be pushed around is un-American, and I'm going to have a hearing on this issue as soon as Ted Cruz tells me to."
"There's nothing wrong with John Boehner that a nice hot cup of Lipton's won't make right," said Sen. Ted Cruz. "Of course I'm joking. We right wing tea party people have a very refined sense of LOL."
But Boehner's wife Debbie doesn't think this is a laughing matter. She said that on his visits home, her husband has been frequenting the local morgue for his nutritional needs: "Zombies have to feast on fresh human brains to survive. That's why it's rare to see a zombie in Washington."
Congressman Rand Paul cautioned against "judging a man by his dining habits." Adding: "Boehner should be evaluated simply for his ability to follow orders."
Other lawmakers pointed out it was no coincidence that Boehner's complexion matched the color of a pitcher of iced tea. "He must chug a lot of that stuff," said Chuck Schumer. "Well, I guess it's better than drinking the Kool-Aid."
Vice President Joe Biden also expressed concern: "John always looks exhausted and he cries all the time. Maybe he should check himself in for some Obamacare. It seems to make Republicans feel better."