A Pacifist Wiseguy Discusses the Latest 'If it Bleeds, it Leads' News Item

Written by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 14 October 2013

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Just the other day the NRA and Ted Nugent were on TV talking about their interpretations of the Second Amendment and how every man, woman, and child in America has a God-given right to own machine guns. Something to that effect, anyhow.

That nut with the black-rimmed, birth-control glasses from the NRA was growling on about these AR-somethings-or-others not being machine guns but just plain ole' rifles, about as harmless as goldfish. Yeah, he's got some exotic sounding name like La-Pair or whatever. Sounds French to me, but who knows.

Meantime, Ted the Ped said he's seriously considering running for President in 2016. Things are just so wrong in the country now, Nugent said. And I know that my answers would make things wonderful, unless you just refuse to produce, and then I'd recommend that you move to Canada. Or Illinois.

Well, Ted, what have you produced in your 60-some-years besides one and at most, maybe two or three rock hits? Oh, and you've also produced orgasms with underage girls during your earlier days as a musician. And what's so wrong with Illinois? Too close to Michigan? I understand: A militant antisocial like you really needs his own country. So why don't you buy an island off Canada somewhere? Then, you can start one; maybe even knit your own flag. Moose and bear can be your subjects and constituents. I'm sure you'll enjoy shooting them. And in your own country, there won't be any laws regarding game limits, so you can kill as many mammals as you choose. You can take them back to your lodge or castle, skin and gut them, then invite foreign dignitaries over to munch on wild game fare.

Yeah, Ted, you're definitely beginning your pre-campaign off on the right foot by totally alienating all of Chicago - along with everyone else in Illinois. And what's your slogan going to be? Something like, A gun collection in every cabinet, a deer carcass in every garage, angst and paranoia everywhere?

Meanwhile, back at the NRA ranch, old La-Pair said, Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, what if chickens, pigs and beef steers knew how to operate those AR-15s? There'd be a lot of dead people around, that's for sure. Livestock have a lot to catch up on in the get-even department with us humans. You can't use those AR-15s to hunt - there wouldn't be anything left, even if you're hunting moose. And I doubt using AR-15s would be a good weapon to defend yourself with in a burglary. No, you'd most likely kill all your loved ones and miss any criminal intruders. Even a blind person could create a lot of bedlam and absolute death with one of those horrible things!

They showed a picture of those AR-15s. They have big things hanging out and look as nasty as a gun's allowed to look, and then some. The magazines on those things are big enough to hold muscle-car engines. And what was the next news item after the NRA - Ted Nugent dog & pony show? It was the top 'if it bleeds, it leads,' news item! Yup, just today, this convenient store right down the street gets robbed. See, these two crazy crackheads carrying AR-15s, along with some Glocks and other sinister cannons, walked into this little shop and opened fire, killing six people. Two clerks and four customers waiting in line for gas and cigarettes, maybe something else. Both clerks were single moms raising little kids. One was even taking classes part time at a nearby community college. Both were hardly making ends meet, the news reporter said.

Nobody goes into one of those little corner stores to buy a mink coat, diamond ring, or a thoroughbred racehorse. They're just there to pick up little stuff. Smokes, gas, candy, pop, whatever. If only those poor customers knew that stupid candy bar or fresh pack of Winstons was gonna cost 'em their lives.

Some guy interviewed who was standing around outside the store said he feels like he's living in a war these days. Every day there's another shooting somewhere in this volatile violent city, and it's only got a population of 65,000, the man on the street quipped, adding, I never know when my lucky number's going to be called. Today, there were six big winners. Unfortunately, in this lottery game, you get a tombstone or you get cremated. It's not about money, but about death.

Anyhow, the place was such a bloody mess that a big puddle of the red liquid formed outside on the sidewalk. Some cop cruising around saw that big crimson glob, then went into the store to check things out. He discovered the two fools in the back of the store. Those crackheads fired over a hundred rounds into the safe, hoping to blast it open. And why, you ask? They planned to take all the cash from inside the vault. Funny thing is, that vault was so tough and strong those bullets didn't do much damage.

Do you know how much money they got from the register? Thirty-eight dollars and some change. The store don't keep more than fifty bucks in its register at any given time. A sign right over the counter spells this out as clear as the Ten Commandments. Maybe after these freaks smoked their crack they forgot how to read.

Who knows.

Wanna' know what's really something else? Actually, it's kinda' funny. Somehow or other, those freaks got hit with their own bullets. They was so crispy and frazzled they didn't even know they got hit. How can someone be so jacked up on drugs they don't even know they got hit with bullets? Mr. Law & Order told the TV crew those two criminals had blood squirting out from all over.

Holy smokes, I know when I cut myself shaving! My girl howls like a coyote when she stubs her toe! You'd have to be totally fried or out of your mind not to know you got hit by bullets! I've never smoked crack, but it must be as strong as taking a voyage on a spaceship if it can take you that far out in orbit.

Anyway, the cop told the TV news crew it probably looked like popcorn in a microwave bag - bullets zinging around all over that back room. Buzzin' 'round like angry hornets. Of course, by the time he got there those two drug addicts were out of bullets and they just kindly surrendered. John Law told the news guy there were so many empty magazines littering the floor that it looked like books lying in the aisles of a haunted library on a Monday morning. The walls of the store looked like a wasp or hornet nest - bullets riveted the dry wall in such a deluge of lead that it appeared like ugly supernatural insects created the surreal sublime scene. And the gunpowder smoke made it impossible to see inside the little shop.

Now both murderers are in serious condition at the city's main trauma center. And neither was even allowed to own a pea shooter. They were both convicted felons who bought the AR-15s at a gun auction. No background checks were conducted on these violent vampires.

Yup, Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, four-eyes, all that NRA propaganda about government mistrust and starting militias up to defend yourselves against an evil U.S. government's nothing but propagandistic hogwash. You're really scary and nefarious, La-Pair! So is Ted Nugent. And if you and your friggin' NRA brothers think this country's so gad-blastin' horrible, move the hell out of the Great U-S-of-A. With your kind of thinking, I'd say you'd be better matched to go to Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, or North Korea. They're all very violent and militant countries that appear to be custom fit for violent militants like yourselves. If you don't like it here, get the hell out! And take Ted Nugent with you when you go. He has a better chance of winning a presidential race against Kim Jong Un or Bashar Hafez al-Assad than Chris Christie or Hillary Clinton, anyhow.

I might just go out and buy one of those AR-15s myself. Imagine that, me and my very own machine gun for about a thousand bucks. I can buy one at a gun show, auction or flea market and they probably won't even ask for my name.

Yup, pretty soon, we'll all be carrying ARs around everywhere. It'll be a police state without any police anymore. Every crackhead, fleeing felon, angry alky, degenerate fruit fly, and hopped-up grasshopper will be toting around a machine gun.

We can all sing the "Star Spangled Banner" together, then "Cat Scratch Fever." And as a crescendo, let's all shoot one another. It'd be a real blast, wouldn't it?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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