Secret NSA meeting on transparency blocked and bamboozled

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

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NSA rules answers to all further questions classified

An inside report from NSA HQ indicates a very serious meeting of top NSA officials took place today to "buttress" the President's recent public remarks on more transparency needed for massive dragnet surveillance.

These NSA officials cannot be named and must remain opaque, as must the insider who spoke to the press from behind three masks and four body-suits that somewhat enlarged its (whether his or her not available) corpus overall while it spoke in falsetto to further disguise its identity.

This report is also protected from any James Risen or John Kiriakou type dilemma due to the anonymous identity of the source's gender, age, race, birthdate, place of birth, phone number(s), email address, or mother's maiden name.

The NSA committee gathered to discuss how to become more transparent according to the President's recent intention to explain and clarify how the NSA's surveillance machinery with its "haystacks" as fodder for finding various "needles" is making everybody "safe."

This state of safety is further assured in that speaking about anything the government claims is "classified" will lead to jail time pronto.

The meeting continued with a power point presentation asking the committee to address key questions, as with these examples:

*What are the details of the argument that it is necessary to surveil ALL communications of the American people and world at large?

*That is, what is the answer to a comprehensive WHY question for this total surveillance?

*Who is (or who will be) the impartial people's representative or advocate in NSA deliberations and decisions, including what is designated "classified" and "secret"?

*What alternative, as in police and intelligence detection and investigation of actual, suspicious cases, is in operation, and why is this alternative not adequate to the problem?

*To what extent is the surveillance program tied to and conflicted by economic factors as in profits for national security companies?

*How are these programs in conflict with amendments to the Constitution, specifically the first, fourth, and fourteenth amendments?

Committee members responded to these questions with sighs and curses, including this acerbic comment, an echo from the halls of Washington recently:

"You know, these questions smack of narcissistic attention-getters and juveniles in their basements with their computers!"

The Chair rapped his gavel to bring order, and then the committee's most senior advisor confronted the meeting with a baffling and unanswerable conundrum.

That is, the committee could not go ahead because not only was the meeting classified, members of the committee classified, the questions classified, but answers to the questions were also classified. Nothing could be said. He added this comment:

"The WHY question must remain in a quiet lonely tomb. We are blocked by our own rules. I'd like to go home."

The Chair rapped his gavel again and concluded the meeting with a resolution to shelve all questions until the 2016 or 2020 election.

Coffee and doughnuts were then served and members expressed various pleasantries about the weather, their families, and their upcoming vacations.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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