Rush Limbaugh, Superhero?

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Sunday, 22 July 2012

image for Rush Limbaugh, Superhero?
Rush Limbaugh

Conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh stirred controversy last week when he accused Warner Brothers and director Christopher Nolan of using their new, heavily promoted blockbuster Batman movie The Dark Knight Rises as a vile piece of pro-Obama propaganda. Because of presidential contender Mitt Romney's controversial tenure at the Bain Capital investment fund, Limbaugh stated that the vile supervillain Bane is clearly meant to represent Romney.

On his radio show last Tuesday, Limbaugh explained his theory thusly: "So this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there's discussion out there as to whether or not this was purposeful and whether or not it will influence voters. The audience is going to be huge. A lot of people are going to see the movie. And it's a lot of brain-dead people. And the thought is that when they're going to start paying attention to the campaign later in the year, and Obama and the Democrats keep talking about Bain, not Bain Capital but Romney and Bain, that these people will start thinking back to the Batman movies."

Limbaugh, who for some reason referred to the movie as The Dark Knight Lights Up, challenged his listeners, demanding, "Do you think it is accidental that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed, whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bane?" Comic book aficionados and Google searchers were quick to point out that the character Bane was invented in 1993, some time before Romney announced his presidential run. Asked to reconcile this glaring fact, Limbaugh explained, "Oh, they're very devious, these Hollywood liberals. They've been planning this thing for a long time, to make it look like it's all just a silly coincidence. Remember, the Devil's greatest trick is getting people to believe he doesn't exist."

Limbaugh's view of the film is rather confusing, given that the hero, Batman-Bruce Wayne is a member of the billionaire business elite, like Romney, while Bane comes from the oppressed underclass. The movie's Bane actually seeks to attack the Wall Street ruling class, which Romney would more likely pander to. Also, Obama doesn't have a whole lot in common with Batman, other than being fit. To be fair to Limbaugh though, the movie does deal with the timely subject of wealth inequality, though Batman is too busy being beaten up to endorse any viable political solutions.

"If you look at it this way," the radio host continues, "then Bane is clearly Romney and therefore a great hero. Therefore he needs our help. To this end I am announcing my own comic book line. This Batman character must be stopped before he dupes the brain-dead people of America into voting for Obama. If you think about it, it's always been obvious that Batman is a degenerate fruit. I mean, look at the way he dresses. Pure Mardi Gras, San Francisco, whatever. The liberal media has been very crafty in promoting Batman as a hero, and all these years we've bought it. In fact, sociologists have proven that Batman and Robin are responsible for the spreading homosexuality that plagues this country. Therefore, and with all due inhumility, I offer my services to Bane.

"Growing up, I was a huge DC comics fan. In fact, I grew up idolizing the Penguin. He was short, fat ugly-just like me. I always felt he was the true hero of the comic. All these good looking guys, Christian Bale, Adam West, I've always secretly hated them. Now, at last, the good looking will be crushed and the thoughtless sheep of the world will bow down to their true masters."

Limbaugh's character will be known as Rushball, or El Rushball in the Spanish version, which is only appropriate as his outfit consists of nothing more than some old tights and a mask borrowed from a Mexican wrestler. The first issue of the comic, soon to be revealed at NerdCon, San Dieogo's largest convention of unmarried males, tells the origin story of Rushball, as a mild mannered and dedicated radio host journeys on a secret mission to Thailand, where a secret Viagara formula gives him incredible new powers. Rushball's super powers consist of an unwavering imperviousness to logic, an endless supply of hot air, and an unparalleled ability to suck up to the Republican party line at all times. When threatened, Rushball rolls into a huge ball and rolls himself in Batman's direction. He's also said to emit foul cigar smoke capable of immobilizing Batman for indefinite periods of time. Not only that, but years of living off bacon, doughnuts, and oxycodone have caused his skin to emit a greasy brown oil that allows him to slip out of any situation and makes him disgusting to the touch, allowing him to easily elude capture.

There seems to be confusion as to whether Rushball is a superhero or a supervillain. DC Comics President Diane Nelson insists Bane and Rushball are meant to be bad guys, but Limbaugh swears they are misunderstood heroes. The sight of Limbaugh in tights is said to be appalling grotesque even in comic book form, and as a result those who work the printing press at DC have suffered convulsions, vomiting, and, in at least one unconfirmed case, death. Klaus Janson, the illustrator who inked the comic book went, so far as to put out his eyes with his own pen.

At a press conference this week, artist Frank Miller, who is famous for doing something or other back in the eighties, announced his intention to do an issue of the comic in which Rushball beats up Feminazi, an lesbian villainess with hairy armpits and also puts an end to the Occupy Wall Street movement. When a fan asked the bitter, fedora-clad Miller, "Why would are frittering away your reputation on such obviously commercial junk?" Miller answered, "Because I like to fuck with people, and I can do anything I want," before punching the fan in the gut with a bellicose glare. Miller has been controversial with fans ever since he turned Batman into a foul-mouthed rapist pimp and gave him the catchprase, "I'm Batman, you goddamn assface hog-fucking motherfuckers." Some felt this approach to be crude and vulgar.

Time will tell if the comic book proves popular. But the radio host is confident, concluding, "It's only a matter of time before the world knows the name of Rushball. I've conquered radio, within six months I'll have conquered the world of comic books. The final step is to infiltrate Banquet Frozen Foods and conquer the pot pie market. Once that happens, no one will be able to stop me."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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