Written by Kevin Nelson

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Recently on CNN's State of the Union, Romney's adviser Ed Gillespie stated that Gov. Romney retroactively retired from Bain Capital in 1999 though it actually occurred in 2002.

Mr. Gillespie as of this date has offered no explanation on how one is able to retroactively able to do something contrary to the known laws of physics and our understanding of how time works.

So, for in-depth clarification we asked an expert at Jefferson Davis College's Institute for Applied Biblical Technology, Dr. Bobby Lee Jackson PhD.

We asked Professor Jackson how is it possible that Governor Romney could retroactively retire from Bain Capital three years after he supposedly left contrary to all known laws of physics? Professor Jackson offered this explanation:

"In order to understand the very complex Theory of Retro-Activity we have to understand that through faith all things can be undone miraculously, simply believing it with full faith in the almighty.

"For example: Michelle Bachmann retroactively had our founding fathers free the slaves ninety years before it actually happened simply by believing in her heart it was true as well as retroactively having the shot heard around the world being fired in Concord, New Hampshire instead of Massachusetts.

"How is this possible? Only through unmitigated faith my friend. The same way a virgin can give birth or the way Obama could put his birth announcement in a Honolulu newspaper the same week as he was born in Kenya."

I was still unclear on many points of this new theory so I decided to pose a few questions to Professor Jackson.

So, if I get a vasectomy and retroactively claim I was impotent when my ex-wife was pregnant, I won't have to pay child support? Or, if I made a lot of money and retroactively claim to the IRS I was unemployed because I truly believe it, I won't have to pay any taxes on that money?

Professor, I'm still unclear on how empirical facts are changed by simply believing the contrary?

Professor Jackson replied, " Well, like I said it's very a complicated theory but when all of our research is completed we'll send you all the latest findings."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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