Humanity's fate was sealed earlier today when a vial containing the genetically engineered super virus known as "EbolaThrax" was dropped at a secure lab facility deep within the Pentagon. Multiple contributing factors are apparently to blame for the universally fatal error, the most prevalent being Dr. Stephen Roeser reported "butterfingers". He had this to say in his defence;
"I have quite sweaty palms and those vials are really difficult to get a grip on. Sorry, guys."
"He can barely even hold onto a sandwich, let alone a glass vial," his colleague Dr. William Erhardt complained. "We've been meaning to replace those old fashioned glass vials with unbreakable Perspex ones, but we just never got round to it and there's not really any point now."
This damning news comes on the heels of a similar incident that took place in a WHO testing facility in France earlier in the year, when an employee accidentally imbibed a vial of the bubonic plague, believing it to be the cup of coffee he had placed next to it moments before.
While the facility in France was sealed and quarantined until all the contagious employees had died, we won't be so lucky in this case.
"There's virtually no chance of us quarantining or surviving what's about to come. This the most deadly virus man has ever made. I mean, discovered," said Dr. Thomas Mueller, the man in charge of the Pentagon laboratory. "It's probably mutated since it's initial contact with humans and halfway across the globe already".
When asked what would happen to Dr Roeser, the man responsible for our damnation, Mueller said, "We've given him a pay cut and a written warning. If he does this sort of thing again he'll be fired straight away, he's had plenty of warnings."
With a specifically designed incubation period of one year to ensure worldwide contamination, citizens are being urged not to descend into lawless chaos and rioting and instead attempt to live out the rest of their days in peaceful harmony with Mother Nature, seeing as how we'll be handing over the keys to the Earth to her soon.
Coincidentally, Al Qaeda has also released a press statement stating that a New York based cell of the organization recently lost a poorly sealed container holding several capsules of smallpox and that it was possibly left on the subway, and that they would appreciate any information people may have about it's whereabouts. With such a similar string of accidents, there must be something in the water.
UPDATE: Scientists have discovered a rare, transmutable form of Alzheimer's present in many reservoirs around the globe. Authorities are looking into it but are finding it difficult to remember what exactly they're meant to be looking into.
