Written by IainB

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

image for Doctor and Gambol accused of releasing a Summer Cold Virus
ACHOO! Damned greedy pharma

Doctor and Gambol, the world's largest manufacturer of cold relief medicine, has been accused of genetically engineering a virus that can induce cold symptoms in people during the summer months.

"It's not true," said Paul Proctor, head of marketing and jam supplies at D&G. "It's patently absurd. Had we done such a thing, we'd obviously have patented it, and we didn't so we couldn't have. QED."

However, leaked memos from within the pharmaceutical giant have indicated that the opposite is true.

"We have been sent emails and correspondence between people high up in the company," said Wikileaks owner, Julian Assange. "These start by asking the question of how to sell more cold medication in the May to September months."

According to the emails, this is a lean period for the medications company, with them tided over with sales of hay-fever, hair-loss and sexual dysfunction treatments.

"Company returns suggest that during the winter months," said Assange, "D&G make twelve billion dollars. However, during the summer months, they make eleven billion dollars. Memos and emails suggest that they have been looking at ways to plug that one billion dollar decline."

Most viruses that causes cold like symptoms cannot infect people as easily during the warmer weather, and with climate change making the world a warmer place, this could spell an end to cold medication sales completely. D&G have allegedly acted quickly by genetically engineering a virus that can infect people as easily when they are warm as when they are cold.

"We refute all these claims," said Proctor. "And also the claim that will be made in December about genetically engineered pollen that gives people hay-fever in the winter."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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