Prohibition Returns to New York State

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Saturday, 7 July 2012

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Albany NY: The US Supreme Court has ruled that the Interstate Commerce Clause of the US Constitution cannot be used to justify Congress controlling the American people's purchasing of health insurance. However, the justices also ruled the US Congress does have taxing power.

The governor of New York State and the legislature assumed the states could also tax people for what they buy. The Bloomberg Law (named after a NYC mayor) levied a 50% tax on fast food restaurant purchases in the guise of controlling obesity. McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, KFC, Popeye's, Taco Bell, South of the Border, etal all left New York State.

Citizens of New York State flocked to the bordering states of New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island (maritime) and internationally to Canada to satisfy their cravings for fast food, circumventing the Bloomberg Law (sometimes called the Broccoli Law). The vast midsection of New York State was still left without fast food, unless these citizens made runs to the various bordering states to obtain illicit food products!

The law of unintended consequences saw the rise of the Burger Mob, the Chicken Cartel and the Mexican Mafia. These gangs would obtain the contraband fast food from the bordering states and transport it to various distribution points within New York State called "Speakeasies." Liquor was free, women were optional and fast food prices were only taxed at 10% above cost.

New York State Troopers formed a Food Police Battalion to monitor New York State border crossings, intercept contraband food shipments by the gangs, and raid Speakeasies. Since the Burger Mob, the Chicken Cartel and the Mexican Mafia all had different food venues they cooperated with each other in smuggling activities. Contraband fast food smuggling was expanded from only the bordering states to include Texas, Kentucky and Louisiana. Trucks, airplanes, ships (cheeseburger runners), ferries, submarines and tunnels were utilized to avoid the food police.

Then the unthinkable happened on the Peace Bridge between Canada and the USA at Buffalo NY. A caravan of trucks was apprehended by the New York State Food Police. No one knows exactly what transpired, as all the gang members escaped, but the road bed was littered with cheese burgers, fried chicken and burritos. Simultaneously, similar incidents occurred at the numerous rail, road, water and bridge border crossings with New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island (maritime).

The governor of New York State immediately phoned President Obama at the White House (call routed to Air Force One) apprising him of the dire situation in his state. The governor asked the president for help and if Elliot Ness of the FBI was still available for duty. The president replied, repeal the tax!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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