Pack of Cougars Attack Man in New York

Funny story written by El Presidente

Friday, 29 June 2012

A New York man is claiming he was stalked then ambushed by a pack of marauding predator cougars while minding his own business in Manhattan.

John Turner, 25, says he was badly shaken by the ordeal and is now seeking therapy however his physical injuries were limited to just a few scratches and a tiny bite on his upper thigh.

Turner has said he will never venture out alone in New York ever again after dark.

The drama began at 8 local time Friday when Turner made the mistake of grabbing an after work beer in a bar close to Wall Street.

Unbeknownst to Turner Friday nights, between 8 and 10 at Dixies Bar are Ladies Night Happy Hour and the place is packed with 50 year old single women who work as hedge fund investors.

The women are notorious for their slurred speech, dubious make up skills and footwear, with many sporting running shoes which they don while wearing their business suits during their commutes to and from New Jersey.

It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time for Turner who claims that he was surrounded by at least 12 women who began grabbing and jostling him.

Their shrieks and cries, forced Turner to beat a hasty retreat but he was pursued by four bigger cougars who chased him back along Wall Street and he only managed to allude them after he made it into a cab.

Cab driver Ravi Patel, who witnessed the chase, said it was a "disturbing image" and that he would recommend no man, under the age of 40, venture anywhere near the vicinity, especially on a Friday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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