Facebook Sues Hot Brooklyn Chick for Causing Share Value to Plummet by Deleting Facebook Account

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 24 May 2012


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Facebook blames the drop in Facebook's stock value on hot Brooklyn chick Kendall O'Hara's deletion of her Facebook account.

Facebook has filed an $18 billion lawsuit against 22-year-old Kendall O'Hara of Brooklyn, New York, for intentional interference with Facebook's much-anticipated initial public offering of stock to small-time investors.

On the day of the Facebook IPO, Facebook shares had a starting price of $38, but by the close of trading, stock had plummeted to a $32 per share. Some claimed that the IPO fiasco was the fault of Nasdaq and underwriters, who allegedly misled investors and mishandled the IPO, resulting in trading delays and technological glitches. Facebook itself, however, attributes the drop in sharp stock value to O'Hara's deletion of her Facebook account.

O'Hara, who is currently single and whose friends, acquaintances and ex-boyfriends agree is an extremely hot chick, denies any wrongdoing.

"I didn't even know about the stock thing," claimed the blond-haired, blue-eyed, pixie-like girl, a graduate design student at New York's School of Visual Arts. "Plus, I deleted my account two weeks before. So this makes no sense."

When O'Hara first created her Facebook account in 2009, she hoped the website would prove to be a positive creative outlet. She posted lots of photos and found it fun - for about five minutes - to reconnect with acquaintances from her past.

Facebook executives claim that while O'Hara's Facebook experience may have been unremarkable, her Facebook effect was significant. At 2:43 a.m. on a Saturday in 2010, Facebook executives noted an 18% jump in website activity, which they later traced to O'Hara's updating of her relationship status from "in a complicated relationship" to "single." And in 2011, on the day after Halloween, Facebook activity reached an all-time high when O'Hara posted photos of herself in a sexy angel costume.

By 2012, though, O'Hara had lost interest in Facebook. Fed up with stream-of-consciousness status updates about people's petty emotions and requests for cows and farmland, she decided to delete her account. At that time, she was unaware that under Facebook's account deletion policies, deletion does not become final for two weeks; thus, O'Hara's account did not become inaccessible to other Facebook users until two weeks later - the day of the Facebook IPO.

Without O'Hara on the website, Facebook held no appeal for her many ex-boyfriends, male acquaintances and stalkers. And that, claims Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, was the real reason for the drop in Facebook's stock value.

"At the time that Kendall O'Hara selected the 'delete account' option," stated Zuckerberg, "she was issued multiple warnings against account deletion. Facebook gave her a full two weeks to carefully reconsider her decision. She recklessly chose to ignore those warnings, causing Facebook and millions of American investors to suffer. For that, she should be held accountable."

Facebook claims to have multiple witnesses who will corroborate its assessment of the impact of O'Hara's account deletion.

"I'm not a stalker," said one of O'Hara's ex-boyfriends, who wished to remain anonymous. "But the only reason I even went on Facebook was to look at Kendall's pictures and find out what she was up to and see if she was dating anyone. Now that she's off, what's the point? I'd delete my account, too, except I don't want to get on Mark Zuckerberg's bad side. He's a weird dude."

Sources report that settlement negotiations are in process and that Facebook has offered to drop the lawsuit provided O'Hara reestablishes her account - something O'Hara has refused to do.

O'Hara herself remains unfazed by the accusations and is even considering filing a counter-suit against Facebook, seeking a portion of the increased advertising revenues Facebook received following her posting of a semi-nude photo in January of 2012.

"I'm not worried," she said. "Mainly, I'm just psyched to be off the site. Besides, I think it's obvious who'll win in a face-off between me and Facebook." She cocked her head and smiled an adorable smile. "I mean, look at this face!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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